Why hello Strangers! It’s been a long time. I am going to start writing again. I need the outlet and hopefully others will get something from it as well. So, what has happened in the life of the ADD, PTSD, NEUROPATHY, FYBRO gal that is me?
Well, Given my last post was a few months ago. A LOT. No, really. A crap ton of change (oh joy!) and a lot of positive things too. So much so I can’t believe my life. It’s amazing.
In January I decided I was moving back to Hawaii not matter what. I spent a week out here looking for work. Achievement unlocked. I went home, sold 3/4 of my stuff and wella – back on the island. The whole time several things occurred: My 2 besties really supported me even though it meant me moving so far way. A friend I made the first time – well we hung out a lot. And a lot happened with that. (more later). I learned just how much I”ve grown and changed since the divorce and accident. I also learned that hope is the key to everything.
I got to Hawaii and Quarantine killed my service dog in under 12 hours. Not kidding. Pure neglect and abuse. They wouldn’t let me take his service dog jacket off nor release him to go ahead and eat/drink from them. So – he didn’t. And, they put him in extreme heat with no water, nor shade. When they found him – he was seizing. Now, imagine seeing your left arm being cut off and flopping on the ground. That’s how I felt. And I have not been compensated, listened to and no lawyer will take the case because it’s against the State of Hawaii – and they have been sued plenty for this very thing.
So, I have great change. The move, the job (which was with quaranteen fyi – and I obviously didn’t take it.) So I had to find a new job, an apt. I can afford, a car. I found a cheap fun car – and it died in 3 months. LOL I found a cute apt – and it’s roach infested (the entire building). And my service dog was dead. By rights – having PTSD w/extreme depression – I should have crumbled. I should have freaked out, gone to inpatient therapy. But, I didn’t. For the first time I was focused, capable of containing my shit and doing what needed to be done. How on earth did I get here??? SUPPORT OF FRIENDS – really, that is it. They called, they wrote, they put messages of encouragement on facebutt. They kept me sane. And then, there was my silent friend, supporting me, holding me and keeping me fed. Remember the one I have been friends with since i lived here last in 2011? Yeah Him.
Having such amazing, unquestionable support is, well, new to me. (Other than my bestied the Doodles & the Stitch). These 3 got me through this. And, all of my friends on Facebutt. I couldn’t have done it without them. Yes, I got depressed, yes, I lost my shit at night and cried – but, I dealt with it in a positive way – without cutting, without pills, without my SD. I got through it so far away from them….. and I am still amazed.
I am going to write another post about abuse/relationships/ptsd/bad habbits – after this one. So I will let all that go for now. But, dear readers – I want to tell you a secret. When you have bad shit happen, as my BF says: BREATH. Stop, take 3 deeps breaths, think of something pretty, hot or sexy – and wait. Then, after that deal with it all. I KNOW it’s hard as hell. I’ve been doing this for 6 months everyday LOL But, it works. Have a network of support. I have B, Doodles, Stitch and Miso Man. (More on him later). When you put a network of support together you put up a net. These people I trust. (1 not so much as the others) I trust them to catch me when I fall into that depressive hole. I trust them to help me calm down and breath. And All of January and February they did just that. With the death, finding the apt, the car, the job, all the changes…..they held me.
You NEED to have a network. PTSD is brutal. It makes simple things difficult. It makes mundane things extreme. It makes emotions flare with no reasoning or warning. PTSD doesn’t own you though. You can live with it. FIND those triggers. And have a safeword or phrase and a place to go to. I find that in crowds especially – I start to get clausterphobic and panicky (especially now that I don’t have leroy my service dog). I have learned to immediately look for an open space. Focus on getting there, look down at the ground or up at that sky and breath. Also, a wall works. This puts the people out of your mind, the crowd goes away. If you are sensitive to noise like me – cover your ears. But, make it look like you are on a blue tooth. 🙂 Means no explanations. LOL On a small island – it’s crowded a lot.
So I survived. I am very careful about going out since Hawaii killed my SD (YES, major anger issues there). But, I have support. Miso Man and I have become beyond close. He knows I’m broke, he knows I will get angry and depressed for no reason, he knows my triggers better than I do now. He has helped me with communication skills I lack, he has helped me with past abuse and very bad ex’s issues, he has helped me stay focused and on my meds and dr. apts. (We all need a Miso Man!). Yes, I have disabilities. Yes, I have PTSD with massive Depressive spells. Yes, I have fybro flares (oh boy especially after snorkeling and swimming), Yes, I have tremors in my hands and legs. No, I don’t have my SD anymore – but, I am dealing with it. 5 years ago I would have committed suicide. But today, I write about it. Give hope to others, and remind myself that I put a network in place, I have paid attention to triggers and I have grown enough to deal with the child abuse, sexual abuse, spouse abuse and self abuse. I am healing. FINALLY at 47, I am healing. So, for you young ones – you have time. It will happen. Just Breath.