Trust, Triggers, Breathing & PTSD/Abuse

This is going to be tough for you to read. Really – but, it will also give you hope. See, I have PTSD with extreme depression due to years of child sexual and physical abuse. Add that to adult rapes, rapes by others as a child and wow….trust does not exist in my world. Or rather it didn’t. Im 47 and I finally understand how to trust and what it takes.

We know from hypnosis and regression therapy that the abuse started at age 3 by a family friend named Meryl and another named PR. (Nick names we think.) Also, someone named Edna and her husband as a young child.  There are more – but, this gives you an idea of the pain and trauma. Add in the step father’s abuse, sexual abuse and mental abuse and oh yeah – I’m a whopping pile of ugly emotions.

Then, adult years we have rape by 3 marines. 2 exes who were physically abuse & Emotionally. Add in the trauma of the accident and ohhh looky! More ugly.  How the hell can anyone function after all that??? Why am I not dead? Luck. Friends. Love. Hope. Great drugs. LOL

So, as an adult, these past issues have affected my relationships in many ways. I get in front of people or around people and I stutter, act like an ass, and I talk like a frieght train hitting a wall and not make a lick of sense.  Until I get to know you, not fear you, not be gaurded. Then, the few that get to that point – find out that there is an amazing brain (I’m the top 10% of people in the US on intelligence levels – like Mensa plus), a kind heart, a will to learn and grow. These few that even bother find out that I am not the weirdo I seem to be, my brain just works very differently than most. PTSD w/add and they are thinking aspie on the low spectrum now. (Answer for everything these days).

So, how the hell am I surviving this new relationship?? (Oh yeah, Miso Man. The friend I had when I lived in Hawaii before),  well, January 29th was the first kiss of many. We have grown, I have grown and changed because of him. Despite the abuse, despite the quick temper, despite the suspicions on my side…..more on that in a bit.

Relationships are a give and take. I vowed to never fall in love again after 3 abusive ones. the first abuse was pure neglect. Pure ignoring what was happening around them and me. The second was cheating, lying, using me for home and money. The 3rd was lying, cheating (A lot) and he freaked out and is so paranoid that i’m out to get him, he sold his apt because I am too close to him. (I didn’t even know he lived there LOL).

But, along comes Miso.  Patient, caring, kind, loving, intelligent, funny as hell.  He was a friend, and turned lover, and now we are in a relationship. Me, again, oh hell what have I done to deserve this man? I mean come on!  Dear followers – I am blessed with amazing friends and now an amazing man. He knows I’m openly bi and that I fall in love with the person – not the gender. He knows my adopted son is gay and married and my ex is ftm. He knows I’m broken, bent and emotionally unstable. And he is still here.

Some of the things people with PTSD and depression have to deal with, our spouses/so’s can’t. The emotional outburst, the aches and physical pains which keep us from doing things, the freak outs in crowds, the inability to express needs, wants and desires. They have a hard time with constant therapy and medications. They have a hard time with basic day to day things with us. The “Why aren’t you” the “Did you just” the “WTF was that?!” and the “I’m too tired to argue anymore.” Sound familiar?

Now you know the background – how am I alive and healing? Miso Man firstly is Japanese and grew up with a Buddhist family. So calm, quiet and conservative is in his genes. LOL Though where his wacky, off beat, often inappropriate humor comes from I have no clue – but I am so glad he has it. He keeps me in stitches.  And that is helping me heal. Really, laughing works.

When I start to blow up or get mad, he makes me crack up. Then we talk about what set me off. He has taught me to stop, take a couple deep breaths and ask myself – “what happened and why did I react that way.” Trust me, I am not great at this. It’s a learning process. But, one worth doing. He catches me before a trigger hits, or immediately after and stabilizes my breathing and thoughts. I want to get better for me, but, also so he doesn’t have to do that as often as he does. Unlike my ex, he went to my psych apt and observed, listened and gave input. So he knows what he is getting into completely.

He watches me. Like really watches me. He has learned that if my sugar gets low I get cranky. So he reminds me to eat or just gives me something. LOL  He has also noticed triggers. Noise first thing in the morning, crowds that are extremely fast or loud. Also, visual issues – bright lights (I live in Hawaii – sunglasses are a must!), flashing strobes and some led’s will set me off to crankyville with no warning. So, being the superman he is, he tends to hold my head against him or holds my hand to counteract the triggers.

I have learned from this. I now know what some triggers are and how to understand them. Next is the why – why does it trigger me? (That’s still in process. LOL) Diet – seriously. Eat 3 meals a day or 5 small. Take your meds ON TIME, same time everyday. Set alarm reminders on your phone. It takes 3 to 4 weeks to make a habit. Start asap.  Caffeine – most people with PTSD are night owls. We can’t help it. The world around us is quieter, calmer, less chaotic.  Because of that caffeine is an enemy. None after 5 works. It does.  Talk to your Dr. about the insomnia and medications that will help. You may have to take a few diff ones before you find the right one. But, a great nights sleep is worth it.

I have trust issues – like major. He knows this. He knows I’m suspicious of emails, texts, calls, internet. And he knows I’m working hard on not being so damn suspicious. A call early in the am when he doesn’t normally get any at all – that set me on edge. I know I can trust him now. But, part of my brain hasn’t caught on to it. He told me after who called and why. I told him I didn’t need to know. He laughed and told me flat out that I did need to know and my brain won’t stop being bitchy until I find out. Even if I’m not saying or doing anything. It’s still there in the back of my mind. He acknowledged it, and told me it’s OK to feel that way given the amount of lying, cheating, and crap that went on with past relationships. And he reminded me – he is not them. (A lesson I am continually learning and having issues with I assure you!)

We talked about trust, about information, about me telling him when something is bugging me and TOGETHER we figure out why. Then, we come up with game plans. Putting safety nets in place. Like the stop and breath, like his hand over my eyes to calm me down. Really, that worked cause in the CatScan I put my hand over my eyes like he does and woah, no drug needed no panic attack. It’s taken 4 months to be able to do it. But, he still does it to reafirm that it’s OK and I am SAFE.

WE have built in systems for safety, stability and Fun.  Naturally. We didn’t say “Hey we are going to”….no, it just happened. And I want to share this with you dear friends so that you can find hope, maybe clues, maybe “Oh My GLOBS ME TOO!”. So you see you aren’t alone.  Let me know if you try any of this and does it work for you. Doesn’t work for everyone. We all have to find our triggers, our crankies and our good points too.

I have learned to love myself despite my brokenness, my crankiness, my physical concerns. I have learned that I can trust and love again. I have been learning how to heal, slowly, carefully, naturally.  It’s painful. We have had some doozie fights. But, we end them asap, talk and listen. Relationships are complicated. Even more so when you have a partner who has PTSD/Abuse/Trauma and bad relationships in the past.



Why hello Strangers!  It’s been a long time. I am going to start writing again. I need the outlet and hopefully others will get something from it as well.  So, what has happened in the life of the ADD, PTSD, NEUROPATHY, FYBRO gal that is me?

Well, Given my last post was a few months ago. A LOT. No, really. A crap ton of change (oh joy!) and a lot of positive things too. So much so I can’t believe my life. It’s amazing.

In January I decided I was moving back to Hawaii not matter what. I spent a week out here looking for work. Achievement unlocked. I went home, sold 3/4 of my stuff and wella – back on the island. The whole time several things occurred: My 2 besties really supported me even though it meant me moving so far way.  A friend I made the first time – well we hung out a lot. And a lot happened with that. (more later). I learned just how much I”ve grown and changed since the divorce and accident. I also learned that hope is the key to everything.

I got to Hawaii and Quarantine killed my service dog in under 12 hours. Not kidding. Pure neglect and abuse. They wouldn’t let me take his service dog jacket off nor release him to go ahead and eat/drink from them. So – he didn’t. And, they put him in extreme heat with no water, nor shade. When they found him –  he was seizing.  Now, imagine seeing your left arm being cut off and flopping on the ground. That’s how I felt. And I have not been compensated, listened to and no lawyer will take the case because it’s against the State of Hawaii – and they have been sued plenty for this very thing.

So, I have great change. The move, the job (which was with quaranteen fyi – and I obviously didn’t take it.) So I had to find a new job, an apt. I can afford, a car. I found a cheap fun car – and it died in 3 months. LOL I found a cute apt – and it’s roach infested (the entire building). And my service dog was dead. By rights – having PTSD w/extreme depression – I should have crumbled. I should have freaked out, gone to inpatient therapy. But, I didn’t. For the first time I was focused, capable of containing my shit and doing what needed to be done. How on earth did I get here??? SUPPORT OF FRIENDS – really, that is it. They called, they wrote, they put messages of encouragement on facebutt. They kept me sane. And then, there was my silent friend, supporting me, holding me and keeping me fed.  Remember the one I have been friends with since i lived here last in 2011?  Yeah Him.

Having such amazing, unquestionable support is, well, new to me. (Other than my bestied the Doodles & the Stitch). These 3 got me through this. And, all of my friends on Facebutt.  I couldn’t have done it without them.  Yes, I got depressed, yes, I lost my shit at night and cried – but, I dealt with it in a positive way – without cutting, without pills, without my SD.  I got through it so far away from them….. and I am still amazed.

I am going to write another post about abuse/relationships/ptsd/bad habbits – after this one. So I will let all that go for now.  But, dear readers – I want to tell you a secret.  When you have bad shit happen, as my BF says: BREATH.  Stop, take 3 deeps breaths, think of something pretty, hot or sexy – and wait.  Then, after that deal with it all. I KNOW it’s hard as hell. I’ve been doing this for 6 months everyday LOL But, it works. Have a network of support. I have B, Doodles, Stitch and Miso Man. (More on him later). When you put a network of support together you put up a net.  These people I trust. (1 not so much as the others) I trust them to catch me when I fall into that depressive hole. I trust them to help me calm down and breath.  And All of January and February they did just that.  With the death, finding the apt, the car, the job, all the changes…..they held me.

You NEED to have a network. PTSD is brutal. It makes simple things difficult. It makes mundane things extreme. It makes emotions flare with no reasoning or warning.  PTSD doesn’t own you though. You can live with it. FIND those triggers. And have a safeword or phrase and a place to go to.  I find that in crowds especially – I start to get clausterphobic and panicky (especially now that I don’t have leroy my service dog). I have learned to immediately look for an open space. Focus on getting there, look down at the ground or up at that sky and breath.  Also, a wall works.  This puts the people out of your mind, the crowd goes away. If you are sensitive to noise like me – cover your ears. But, make it look like you are on a blue tooth. 🙂  Means no explanations. LOL On a small island – it’s crowded a lot.

So I survived. I am very careful about going out since Hawaii killed my SD (YES, major anger issues there). But, I have support. Miso Man and I have become beyond close. He knows I’m broke, he knows I will get angry and depressed for no reason, he knows my triggers better than I do now.  He has helped me with communication skills I lack, he has helped me with past abuse and very bad ex’s issues, he has helped me stay focused and on my meds and dr. apts. (We all need a Miso Man!).  Yes, I have disabilities. Yes, I have PTSD with massive Depressive spells. Yes, I have fybro flares (oh boy especially after snorkeling and swimming), Yes, I have tremors in my hands and legs. No, I don’t have my SD anymore – but, I am dealing with it. 5 years ago I would have committed suicide.  But today, I write about it. Give hope to others, and remind myself that I put a network in place, I have paid attention to triggers and I have grown enough to deal with the child abuse, sexual abuse, spouse abuse and self abuse. I am healing.  FINALLY at 47, I am healing. So, for you young ones – you have time. It will happen. Just Breath.