Everything falls into place when something is right. When something happens that is so powerful you cannot ignore the message the universe sends you. And wow, it has hit me on the head like a hammer.

1 week after I got approved to go back to work, 4 interviews fell into my lap. All within my field, all home.  And that’s the issue – they are all back home. There is nothing here. Where is home? Hawaii. Yeah – and therein lies the rub.

Several things have to happen to get me to the interviews, the first being money for the flight to and from, the hotel and the rental car.  And well, with only 50.00 in my back for the entire month – that’s not going to happen.

Now, go back to my first sentence. When it’s right, it happens.  1 friend used his miles to get me there.  My ex suggested a gofundme.  OK so I put it up, he helped me write it.


So now, the flight there is done. The hotel and car are covered by what we raised. With no extra for food – which is ok. I still have foodstamps and the hotel does breakfast of a sorts. So food stamps has food. Not doing the touristry things because – well it’s home. been there done that. LOL  I might have lunch on the beach just one time. So I can thank everyone by taking a picture of the sunset and mailing a printed 5×7  copy to them.

All that’s left is the flight home. around 450.00.  Wow, we went from 1500 to 450 in a 2 days. I have my work to do. Clothes, paperwork (all the jobs are for the State of Hawaii so there are forms for each one), resumes to print, transcripts to scan and print. 4 folders to make up, my directions from hotel to each one to print. It’s a lot of work. And i’de be leaving at 5:30am sunday morning.

Sometimes things happen when you are ready, not when you want them to. Be calm, do what you need to do to facilitate it, and then make the best of it once it happens.


Depressive Episodes

Depressive episodes happen for anyone with PTSD. Be in long term, like mine, or a soldiers quick traumatic response.  I have seen more than my share of wounded warriors with PTSD, no matter how long you have had it, the triggers and responses are the same.

So, week before christmas care accident. Christmas day drove 4 hours down to norfolk va and found out he was lying n cheating. Drove home. crying the entire way. Why?

2 days after not eating not drinking not living, getting more n more depressed. why? He hit a trigger, and the response is to shut down. The trigger was the lying and calling me worthless, fat, ugly, a joke, someone to use till his girl realized she wanted him. Yeah. He was the 3rd guy in 7 years to cheat, lie, and belittle me. All were military.  Set my trigger right off.

Calling me names, lying to me. Major triggers. And everyone has different ones. No 2 people with PTSD have the same triggers.  Some it’s sound, some it’s shadows or quick movements, some are smells, i know a guy it’s space. He became super claustrophobic to the point his bathroom is too small.

England has the right of it. They train their officers to watch for the signs. And due to this, on the battlefields, soldiers are caught early and have a quicker turn around time for recovery. what does the US do? Ignore it. Tell the soldier he is worthless and he needs to get his head back into his job. The US makes officers afraid of saying anything is wrong with them. It’s unreal the stories I hear from soldiers all over the US.

Triggers  for me it can be verbal, flicks of shadows in the corner of my eyes, people yelling and loud noises (to the point my really loud neighbor above me knows that the 3 year old is not allowed to jump on the floor and run through the house like a wild beast). Triggers are also a smell of certain foods, parents yelling at their kids, and the great angry button. Just don’t push it. ever. I come unhinged, and I can’t control it.

So you read the Christmas fiasco. it gets worse. 3 days later i get this letter from his girl and oh  it makes me angry. so much i had to go walk before i did something i’de regret. walking and running is a great way to get through that anger, that fear, that confusion. You can only control 2 things in life  = breathing (slow it down and focus on it), and hearing (you can choose to hear or not). i focus on the breathing. My heart beat, my steps, where i’m running or walking. Now I go to the gym everyday to do just that. whatever bothers me all day or that day, leaves me because i’m focusing on getting through the back pain, the foot pain, getting to the next speed level without collapsing. it’s a productive way to deal with anger. planet fitness is open 24 hours. this is a good thing.

so new  years i was in the er with kidney issues. ex, karate kick to the r kidney, damage in 2011. Got our spent nye, the same way Ive done it for 5 years. Alone. December and January are the biggest suicide months. I know why, personally. The 2nd i went grocery shopping and the phone was stolen with my debit card. my care is a 2001 held together with gorilla tape. With all of this my triggers are even more sensitive. to the point i’m yelling at the cat for accidentally clawing me, the service dog won’t come near me, i cant get what i need i cant get anywhere, and i can’t talk to anyone.

isolation  – the biggest and worst trigger anyone with PTSD can have. So, my dear readers, don’t isolate yourself. Find one or 2 people you can explain what is wrong and why and find a way for them to help you when  you really need it. My best friend makes me laugh, my long time friend gives me adult coloring books (I love these), and colored pencils., another friend just sends me pictures of the moon so we don’t feel so far apart. My neighbor messages me or stops me to see how i’m doing.  little things can help you deal with the episodes easier. and above all, no matter what you are going through – the fact you have PTSD, a wounded warrior, depression – whatever happened to get you there was much worse and you survived it. So these small episodes? They are nothing – you got this! Above all – remember to breath.20161212_154841-1