depressive episodes

food, binging, lack of focus, carb cravings, constant sleeping or laying in bed awake, aches like the flu, no sounds in home, complete solitude, lack of interest in anything, lost, hazy days, memory issues, crying constantly, eating and did i mention eating? they are all part of a depressive episode. It’s not just mental, it’s physical and emotional and spiritual.

I noticed yesterday that i hadn’t had a shower since last sunday. Ok, that was warning number 1. Then I realized everything i ate this week – good googly moogly that’s a lot of food! Then the i don’t want to watch tv, play games, walk the dog i just want to sit here in total quiet – even the fan is too much noise.

Ok, i by now I know the signs. Good for me! But, can I do anything about it? NO. I took a shower, ok not bad. I went to walmart to get cat food – if you own a cat you would understand my motivation in this – cats are bytches when they aren’t fed and frankly i was tired of the claw marks on my forehead! So hey – 2 things.

Have I gotten paperwork done? NO. Have I gotten any cleaning done? NO. Have I gotten any fun things like spinning, knitting or crafts? NOPE AND NOPE. this is the point of normally – no return. It’s time to go into a depressive cycle.

Much like bi-polar folks, PTSD – w depression is just that. No Ups, just a steady ahead and a deep drop. That’s it. i’m either good n fine or boom – kill me now. Unlike bi polar folks we don’t have extreme ups. Ever. I can’t remember the last time i felt real joy at something. I had a happy moment when i had an amazing, expensive brazillian steakhouse lunch with a dear friend, but, i didn’t feel resounding joy. It was nice. Never awesome, just…nice. Again, no extreme ups.

And I’m not alone. Many sufferers of long term PTSD due to extreme long term trauma are just like me. I have talked to a lot of folks and we were all diagnosed bi-polar before the PTSD diagnosis was made. Normally we fail a few criteria – one being non bipolar peeps can’t take buspar. It’ll turn anyone not bipolar into a raving lunatic. Trust me on this. It’s not pretty. I lost a lot of friends that way.

So, when you are with someone you have help getting through these episodes. Me, I am alone. When I try to reach out everyone is too busy with the sca to take a day away and hang with me. Such is life – I didn’t chose this path. I have learned to deal with it. Not very well mind you – but, I deal. I sit in my bedroom, stare at the walls, eat whatever isn’t frozen, and do nothing. Seriously. I just lay or sit on the bed in total silence. even the sound of the fan or the dog breathing can be an overload.

Most people can’t handle any noise during these episodes. Why? It’s painful. Seriously. It’s like all of a sudden both of my ears work and are plugged into loud speakers. Even people outside piss me off. where do I draw the line though?

When Leroy or Roxy are neglected. I realized that I was coming unglued yesterday and poor leroy wanted out so badly. that’s when I got off my fat ass and took him for a long walk. And trust me, all that noise – bugged the hell out of me! I have learned a great trick for this – know those headphones that come with our phones or ipods? Oh yeah baby. Pop them in your ears. Total silence and bliss.

Another way I figure out what’s up besides the loyal service dog wanting to pee cause i’ve been in such a fog i forgot is lil ms. roxy. That cat. When she starts crawling over me, popping off n on my lap, back or arm – i know something is seriously wrong. like the true feline diva she is – she could care less about me – unless something is wrong. Then she won’t leave me alone – and i get annoyed really quickly – and that’s when the bell goes off.

So, my writings are blunt, frank and honest. If you can’t handle that – stop reading them! This isn’t for gossip, pity or any of that crap. It’s so that others know they aren’t alone. Period. Take it and use it any way you want against me – but, know this – I’m a great fan of karma – she’s a bitch.

When you are alone depressive episodes are tough as hell to deal with. No kids around to keep you focused, no spouses to make you laugh. I know 300 people through fb – maybe 1 or 2 will come and hang with me – and that’s only if they aren’t busy themselves. So, it’s me and the pets. And I am ok with this. Better than my ex who used those lovely phrases we all hate. “Oh get over it already.” “Why can’t you be normal?” “Just go take a shower and deal with it already” or my personal fucked up favorite: “Can’t you just take a pill or something and be like everyone else? Your so dramatic. It’s not that bad!” Oh yeah – thems are the normal things i heard far too often. I forgot: “Just take a nap and you’ll get over it.” UM NO – if it was that easy to get over – I wouldn’t be like I am. ha ha

So my dear readers – episodes. We have them, we hate them, we “get over” them eventually. Just remember not to beat yourself up about it when you have them and by all means talk to your therapist when you have them (a good one can even help you figure out the triggers – and man are there triggers!) and make sure you don’t need a med adjust. I know meds can’t fix everything – like your past which is how you got this way – but, they can make managing the fuzzy brain and lack of life a little easier. don’t be afraid to tell a friend: Hey, can you come over and just hang? Bring your laptop play games, watch whatever, just be in the room with me so I don’t feel totally fucked. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But, it never hurts to try.


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