Today

Today I woke up
Today I watched a bird fly.
Today I ate food 
Today I learned.

It's not about what you have
or what you paid for.
It's about people in your life,
personal relationships
and more.

Today I watched a bee fly
circles in the air.
Freely floating with the clouds
making merriment as he went.

Today I heard a cat purr
sittings contentedly on the windowsill.
Today I thought about my life
and goals I want to achieve.

Today, yes today, I thought about you
and your smile, laughter and fears.
Today I watched a bird fly
and today I remembered you.
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HOPE

YOU need HOPE.  Period. Everyone does. No matter what you go through in life – you need to have hope. Hope is powerful, it can heal and it can renew. Hope can bring a better future amongst the chaos that is our lives. Despite all I go through – I always have hope. My day dreams are filled with acceptance, health, love and courage.

When doctors keep changing diagnoses, when they tell you things are worse than initially thought, when they tell you that you have to go through more than you thought — you need hope. For without it, you just wither up and commit suicide. And believe me, sometimes I want to.

If a beloved pet were to go through what I do on a daily basis, my quality of life sucking beyond measure, we would have put that beloved pet down so they didn’t have to go through a day of pain, depression, loneliness, and these amazing levels of mental/physical and spiritual anguish. What separates us from that pet? HOPE.

Think about it. The power of hope that things will get better, that I will be loved someday and that I won’t be alone gives me hope. As I talk to others who have gone through not as much (I don’t think anyone could live through what I have – seriously as I haven’t written 1/4 of what I’m going through) as me, but, a different amount of anxiety, a different set of issues n circumstances – I have  hope. Why? Because I see them facing things, some worse, and wow….if they can, I can. So, they give me Hope. And some, I give them hope.

Hope is passed from person to person. People commit suicide when there is no hope. When they have no hope in a better tomorrow. My mother and my step brother are examples. One knew there would be no end to the wait for a new heart, no end of doctors and loneliness and a deep despair.  The other new there was no hope of seeing his kids again, of getting a job in the small town where he lived, of being able to love someone again. Neither had hope in anything.

So, what keeps me on this earth when everyday is a dr. apt., everyday is another diagnosis that counters the initial one? What keeps me here when I am so lonely I spend my nights crying myself to sleep??  Hope. Hope in a better future, hope that they get their shit together as medical professionals and hope that my loneliness will end someday. Hope that I can pay my bills, be a better person and be invited tot hings despite how it is now. I don’t get invited to things, to hang out with others, to go places. I don’t get invited to parties and movies, etc. And I have hope that someday I will. People will see me as a viable person to hang out with.

But, for now things are rough. And I’m ok with it. I have hope. And so should you. Tomorrow you get to wake up, get to breath, get to be alive – and that is a critical step towards healing. Watch the sunset, watch the sun rise – and remember, have hope. Tomorrow is coming – and we don’t know what will happen.

 

 

Cliques

Sometimes you have to type your reply 100 times to not chew someones but off. Then email people you think will get the gist and ask for editing and if they see the clique that is forming and a hierarchy that shouldnt be happening too. Cause thats just wrong. Its exclusive instead of inclusive and i dont play that way. Ever.

I was always the excluded kid, picked on, teased, left out and unmercifully talked about behind my back as i never learned social skills, i was 3/4 deaf and a foot taller than everyone else w a serious reading and comprehension deficiet i was the deaf retard. im just now learning so ial skills and its tough as nails. Love aspie n add. Not. At crown i was the victim of bullying and teasing by a few catty baronesses (getting used to them). It made me leave mol table and cry for an hour and ruined my day, again .

Thats why i am so adamant about inclusivity. Ive been there and i never want anyone to go through that. I want everyone to feel safe and welcomed. I know its an unreasonable request in life and reality is…humans like hiarchies and cliques..feeds the need to be empowered.

depressive episodes

food, binging, lack of focus, carb cravings, constant sleeping or laying in bed awake, aches like the flu, no sounds in home, complete solitude, lack of interest in anything, lost, hazy days, memory issues, crying constantly, eating and did i mention eating? they are all part of a depressive episode. It’s not just mental, it’s physical and emotional and spiritual.

I noticed yesterday that i hadn’t had a shower since last sunday. Ok, that was warning number 1. Then I realized everything i ate this week – good googly moogly that’s a lot of food! Then the i don’t want to watch tv, play games, walk the dog i just want to sit here in total quiet – even the fan is too much noise.

Ok, i by now I know the signs. Good for me! But, can I do anything about it? NO. I took a shower, ok not bad. I went to walmart to get cat food – if you own a cat you would understand my motivation in this – cats are bytches when they aren’t fed and frankly i was tired of the claw marks on my forehead! So hey – 2 things.

Have I gotten paperwork done? NO. Have I gotten any cleaning done? NO. Have I gotten any fun things like spinning, knitting or crafts? NOPE AND NOPE. this is the point of normally – no return. It’s time to go into a depressive cycle.

Much like bi-polar folks, PTSD – w depression is just that. No Ups, just a steady ahead and a deep drop. That’s it. i’m either good n fine or boom – kill me now. Unlike bi polar folks we don’t have extreme ups. Ever. I can’t remember the last time i felt real joy at something. I had a happy moment when i had an amazing, expensive brazillian steakhouse lunch with a dear friend, but, i didn’t feel resounding joy. It was nice. Never awesome, just…nice. Again, no extreme ups.

And I’m not alone. Many sufferers of long term PTSD due to extreme long term trauma are just like me. I have talked to a lot of folks and we were all diagnosed bi-polar before the PTSD diagnosis was made. Normally we fail a few criteria – one being non bipolar peeps can’t take buspar. It’ll turn anyone not bipolar into a raving lunatic. Trust me on this. It’s not pretty. I lost a lot of friends that way.

So, when you are with someone you have help getting through these episodes. Me, I am alone. When I try to reach out everyone is too busy with the sca to take a day away and hang with me. Such is life – I didn’t chose this path. I have learned to deal with it. Not very well mind you – but, I deal. I sit in my bedroom, stare at the walls, eat whatever isn’t frozen, and do nothing. Seriously. I just lay or sit on the bed in total silence. even the sound of the fan or the dog breathing can be an overload.

Most people can’t handle any noise during these episodes. Why? It’s painful. Seriously. It’s like all of a sudden both of my ears work and are plugged into loud speakers. Even people outside piss me off. where do I draw the line though?

When Leroy or Roxy are neglected. I realized that I was coming unglued yesterday and poor leroy wanted out so badly. that’s when I got off my fat ass and took him for a long walk. And trust me, all that noise – bugged the hell out of me! I have learned a great trick for this – know those headphones that come with our phones or ipods? Oh yeah baby. Pop them in your ears. Total silence and bliss.

Another way I figure out what’s up besides the loyal service dog wanting to pee cause i’ve been in such a fog i forgot is lil ms. roxy. That cat. When she starts crawling over me, popping off n on my lap, back or arm – i know something is seriously wrong. like the true feline diva she is – she could care less about me – unless something is wrong. Then she won’t leave me alone – and i get annoyed really quickly – and that’s when the bell goes off.

So, my writings are blunt, frank and honest. If you can’t handle that – stop reading them! This isn’t for gossip, pity or any of that crap. It’s so that others know they aren’t alone. Period. Take it and use it any way you want against me – but, know this – I’m a great fan of karma – she’s a bitch.

When you are alone depressive episodes are tough as hell to deal with. No kids around to keep you focused, no spouses to make you laugh. I know 300 people through fb – maybe 1 or 2 will come and hang with me – and that’s only if they aren’t busy themselves. So, it’s me and the pets. And I am ok with this. Better than my ex who used those lovely phrases we all hate. “Oh get over it already.” “Why can’t you be normal?” “Just go take a shower and deal with it already” or my personal fucked up favorite: “Can’t you just take a pill or something and be like everyone else? Your so dramatic. It’s not that bad!” Oh yeah – thems are the normal things i heard far too often. I forgot: “Just take a nap and you’ll get over it.” UM NO – if it was that easy to get over – I wouldn’t be like I am. ha ha

So my dear readers – episodes. We have them, we hate them, we “get over” them eventually. Just remember not to beat yourself up about it when you have them and by all means talk to your therapist when you have them (a good one can even help you figure out the triggers – and man are there triggers!) and make sure you don’t need a med adjust. I know meds can’t fix everything – like your past which is how you got this way – but, they can make managing the fuzzy brain and lack of life a little easier. don’t be afraid to tell a friend: Hey, can you come over and just hang? Bring your laptop play games, watch whatever, just be in the room with me so I don’t feel totally fucked. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But, it never hurts to try.

FEAR

I have a fear of many things
of public spaces and people
of friendship and love
of messing up and looking stupid
of talking in public and stuttering
of showing my weak side and shaking
of looking weak and disabled.

I have a fear of normal things
of spiders and ticks
and loosing my mind.

I have to conquer those fear
to be healthy and happy
to feel normal and worthy
to be liked and loved.

And yet, it’s not easy
these fears.
they consume me and
make me want to stay home
where it’s safe but lonely.

Fears are my own worst enemy
and yet, i push on,
to win this epic battle.

Distant Memories

So since the accident I have forgotten a lot. People, places, times/events. And it all gets jumbled in my head. Some will pop up with a little coaxing. Like words – I have to go through a list before getting the one I want. It’s like putting in key words in a search engine and hoping the right pages show up. Frustrating to me and i’m sure, to those I talk to.

My dreams have been increasingly crazy. Part memory, part science fiction. Last nights was no exception. I was sitting in a bedroom on the floor with two guys, one blond one brunette. We were looking through my albums for KIZZ’s latest one and talking about how the new Iron Maiden album was. Ok – that’s likely. Here’s the weird part – my mom came in to borrow some pants from me for a date (also likely as we were both a size 10 at the time), but, she got a skirt instead (um no, didn’t wear skirts till i was 18) and it was a 3 tier (also a no).  Then she flirted with the blond (also likely) and then the dream faded to my sister making out with both the blond and the brunette (again likely) and I got mad because the women in my house couldn’t keep their pants on when mine were coming off daily to feed their drug habits – by force.  Again, likely.  But, it was totally weird, like looking in a mirror and watching it happen behind me. My mom is 20 years older than me and she looked like my sister, my sister was 5 years older than me and we looked like twins. So this is plausible. Did I have a dream, or a memory, or both??? Crazy.