I’ve been catching up on the television show Grimm. The episode I was watching was about 4 military men raping a girl.  It shot through me so bad I couldn’t watch and had to close my laptop and curl up with leroy. (My service dog).

It happened in Hawaii. I was alone walking on the beach. The marine training center is right next door to the housing we were in. 4 guys decided to go play at the beach. And found me sitting there. 2 got in, 2 got hurt. I was a mess. But, I went to the hospital and the marine i was dating went shit crazy on them. I never knew what happened, but, I knew not to ask also.

Not the first time. I had a hard life. military father had women everywhere, my mom divorced him to marry a drug addict who sold me nightly to his buddies. Often when I was alseep, he’de tie me to the bed. Now I’m 5′ 8″ and then I was almost that tall. I was also a GG by the time I hit 14 and very thin from smoking and doing drugs myself. So it was normal for me by that point. It lasted till I was 16, switched to my Dad and his wife and her 3 boys. The oldest one raped me on his visits.

It’s hard to blame them when it happens over and over again. You start to think that you are the cause. You brought this on. You are terrible and ask for it, dress for you must have done something to cause it. But, there was nothing to blame me for. I had victim mentality. Play dead, they go away bored. Fight, they get excited. So surely it was my fault for fighting back. God’s doing this to me.

Wrong. They are to blame. They are stronger, and aware of what they are doing. Nothing I could wear, no weight difference, no hair color, none of that caused it. They caused it.

This is a difficult mental task to undertake alone. I am lucky in that in Hawaii I met an amazing Psych. He really understood why I got angry, why I hated my life, why I blamed myself for all the bad stuff that happened. Even today, when I’m constantly sick, broke, people hate me without knowing me, frightened to sleep in my apt alone (hence the writing at 4am. I only sleep when sun is up and people go to work.), scared to talk in front of people, scared of people in general and definitely of getting close to anyone.

If they saw the real me, they would abuse me too. They would hurt me and treat me unkind. I belong to the SCA, it’s high school mentality all over again. But, I triumph each day. Remembering that I am damaged. No one will love or have me ever again. I have been too traumatized and the last 5 years I have lived alone and I am starting to like it better than being around people. I prefer to skip things and just stay home so no one can harm or hurt me again. This is a bad place to be. Very bad.

I am working on that trauma. Slowly taking on more, slowly going to walmart during the day, to the drs, to meetings. I am trying to get to know other people, and let them see the real  me, the broken me, the me that just wants her friends happy and wants someone to love her. It’s hard as hell. But, my past is behind me and I have to let the pain go or I will become a victim all over again. I am trying to let people see the real me, despite knowing that they might not be able to deal with the broken, beaten down girl who was raped from the age of 3 to 18. Who was picked on in HS for having asperger’s and back then we didn’t know what it was. But, it was a brutal school life to go through. Always incapable of making lasting relationships and friends. And oddly, I’m still that way. But, I try. Every day I try. I do my best to get up out of bed, take my meds, walk the dog and do some laundry. And that’s all anyone can do. All anyone can do is try. Try to live a better life, a happier life and a good life.

As always, you are not alone. I am here as are others. It’s not your fault, it’s not your doing. It is theirs. let them have it, and walk away knowing – you can do this. One day at a time.


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