Butterfly

I saw you as a sac of eggs, hanging from a branch.
Lite green and small, just hanging there ready to face the world.
I saw you as a caterpillar, crawling up the flower.
Green with spots along your back, climbing ever higher.
I saw you as a cocoon, hanging yet again.
You are about to face the world, as you change into  your final form.
I saw you as a butterfly, sitting on the leafs.
You are about to fly away, as i stare in disbelief.
Butterfly, butterfly, changing all the time.
Fly away to a new world, new heights, new life.

mrd 5/25/16
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The Knowing

Nothing makes you madder than not knowing why you are sick. I have been very weak for 8 months. OK Fybro aside I mean weak. No eating, sleeping, etc… thyroid T3, T4 were at .5/4.0 – ooops. So on thyroid meds. Yeah that helped. 2 months ago – bam, here we go again but, with stomach and intestinal pain. Reason finally dawned on my PCP. She looked at the bloodwork for months – my leukocytes were always high, plateletts high, rbc low (duh overcrowded by the previous 2).  BINGO

Leukocytosis….aka my white blood cells are attacking my body when i eat. Seriously. Right?! Groans here…..  so now what for the body shot person?  Organic only no processed foods — on 160 a month in fs. RIGHT – WRONG.  So It’s not going to happen due to limited funds. (yeah politicians for cutting fs and medical!! and giving themselves raises and new homes at 1,000,000 each!). I wanna shoot the entire group of them. Even SSi/SSDi got no cost of living raises this year but, the gov got theirs!!!! maggot eating ass hats.

So, the compromise was a pill to take with my food so that it breaks down faster, my stomach gets rid of it faster and i poop it out faster so my body won’t react. nope, still does. Stupid. there is no end in site. they can’t get the insurance company to approve a specialist. So instead everytime I can’t breath or walk due to the pain i call the er. I go in – eventually the insurance will call us and go we see you have this problem, shall we approve a specialist…..why yes, dipshit!

Obviously I’m a bit cranky today. LOL Sorry, but, the stupidity of lawmakers and people with no backgrounds in healthcare making decisions as to why i need or don’t need a specialist appals me. Especially barbara from india!!!!!!  Outsourcing at it’s best.

JOY

JOY JOY JOY JOY

It’s an easy word, but, not easily obtainable for some. With the daily struggles of disease, pain, emotional journeys and life, JOY is the one thing many of us find missing in our lives. What is it – that thing that’s described in so many ways, yet so easily forgotten to be thankful each day? Why do we find it so hard to grasp?

When your life is full of doctors appointments, therapist, physical therapy and tests on a regular basis, there is more strife than joy. But, we must take time out to look for those little moments. I had forgotten this until yesterday. A few of our leaders and hard core fighters showed up for a demo at the Celtic Festival/Scottish Games and did a demo. We worked all day talking about the SCA, getting information to folks about history and what we do to ensure the future is full of living history. And at times, I found myself smiling at small moments of joy. Something I haven’t had for a bit – but, welcomed with open arms.

As I sit here contemplating, my liver is shooting sparks of sharp pain. And I’m using those moments from yesterday to get through it – pain is but a small moment in time and our bodies are telling us something is not right. So I welcome it. I’m alive. LOL

During the demo yesterday, I saw Glynis talk to people and smile a brilliant smile, but, I knew she had only 3 hours sleep and came off the plane straight to the demo. I could only think that if she can do this, no matter what, so could I. It brought me joy knowing that so many people were learning and happy with what she was telling them. Rychard had the audience entertained during the fighting boughts. I had to smile at his whimsy and fun nature. Fergus kept up with the throngs of kids who wanted to try on the armor, the teens who wanted to see the weapons and the parents who were wanting to take pictures of both. How he does it is anyone’s guess! It gave me an opportunity to talk about the AnS side of the sca. Fiber, scribing, cooking, feast gear, garb and everything else. The kids loved the  shield blanks and some showed them off proudly to the crowd. It was so much fun.

And then the rain came. Oh yeah, billowing tents with massive wind and torrential, freezing cold rain. As scadians we are used to this – it’s called Pennsic. LOL  We pulled stuff under the tents, wrapped up on heavier material, talked about ideas and welcomed people to come over and get under the tent with us. For many it was a quick respite on the way to their cars, but, I have no doubt they will remember the smiling group of people when everyone else was grumpy.

When the rain cleared our fighters were at it again, and the crowds came. Again, I was left pondering what had happened in the last hour. People sharing cloaks and fabric, leroy under a baronial banner keeping warm, and all of us smiling despite the weather. We had joy. Joy that showed outward to everyone. We, until some drunk with size 13 boots stepped on my foot as he tried to feel my puppy. and failed. A small crack in the foot, an hour in the waiting room did not take away my smile. And I still feel that little bit of joy looking back at the pictures.

Tis joy that i saw yesterday
it shined on a friend's face.
I saw it in the eyes of a child
and people watching.
Tis joy that i hadn't seen
so long in myself and everything.
I saw it among strangers and friends
reminding me that I'm alive
and joy isn't that hard to find.   mrd 5/15/16

 

Rape

I’ve been catching up on the television show Grimm. The episode I was watching was about 4 military men raping a girl.  It shot through me so bad I couldn’t watch and had to close my laptop and curl up with leroy. (My service dog).

It happened in Hawaii. I was alone walking on the beach. The marine training center is right next door to the housing we were in. 4 guys decided to go play at the beach. And found me sitting there. 2 got in, 2 got hurt. I was a mess. But, I went to the hospital and the marine i was dating went shit crazy on them. I never knew what happened, but, I knew not to ask also.

Not the first time. I had a hard life. military father had women everywhere, my mom divorced him to marry a drug addict who sold me nightly to his buddies. Often when I was alseep, he’de tie me to the bed. Now I’m 5′ 8″ and then I was almost that tall. I was also a GG by the time I hit 14 and very thin from smoking and doing drugs myself. So it was normal for me by that point. It lasted till I was 16, switched to my Dad and his wife and her 3 boys. The oldest one raped me on his visits.

It’s hard to blame them when it happens over and over again. You start to think that you are the cause. You brought this on. You are terrible and ask for it, dress for you must have done something to cause it. But, there was nothing to blame me for. I had victim mentality. Play dead, they go away bored. Fight, they get excited. So surely it was my fault for fighting back. God’s doing this to me.

Wrong. They are to blame. They are stronger, and aware of what they are doing. Nothing I could wear, no weight difference, no hair color, none of that caused it. They caused it.

This is a difficult mental task to undertake alone. I am lucky in that in Hawaii I met an amazing Psych. He really understood why I got angry, why I hated my life, why I blamed myself for all the bad stuff that happened. Even today, when I’m constantly sick, broke, people hate me without knowing me, frightened to sleep in my apt alone (hence the writing at 4am. I only sleep when sun is up and people go to work.), scared to talk in front of people, scared of people in general and definitely of getting close to anyone.

If they saw the real me, they would abuse me too. They would hurt me and treat me unkind. I belong to the SCA, it’s high school mentality all over again. But, I triumph each day. Remembering that I am damaged. No one will love or have me ever again. I have been too traumatized and the last 5 years I have lived alone and I am starting to like it better than being around people. I prefer to skip things and just stay home so no one can harm or hurt me again. This is a bad place to be. Very bad.

I am working on that trauma. Slowly taking on more, slowly going to walmart during the day, to the drs, to meetings. I am trying to get to know other people, and let them see the real  me, the broken me, the me that just wants her friends happy and wants someone to love her. It’s hard as hell. But, my past is behind me and I have to let the pain go or I will become a victim all over again. I am trying to let people see the real me, despite knowing that they might not be able to deal with the broken, beaten down girl who was raped from the age of 3 to 18. Who was picked on in HS for having asperger’s and back then we didn’t know what it was. But, it was a brutal school life to go through. Always incapable of making lasting relationships and friends. And oddly, I’m still that way. But, I try. Every day I try. I do my best to get up out of bed, take my meds, walk the dog and do some laundry. And that’s all anyone can do. All anyone can do is try. Try to live a better life, a happier life and a good life.

As always, you are not alone. I am here as are others. It’s not your fault, it’s not your doing. It is theirs. let them have it, and walk away knowing – you can do this. One day at a time.