Starting A New Me

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Me and Leroy The Service Dog

So, what do you do when you see bad patterns repeating? You try your best to start over. And Last weekend I did just that. I had it in my head to start over. Be stronger, be happier, enjoy the little things a little more. What things? Life. Peoples smiles, their laughter, watching fighters and fencers and people in the SCA in general. Who do I want to be? In the SCA, in my homelife, in my world. How can I achieve it?

It’s not easy being disabled, unhealthy, broken and mentally fucked up. Yes, I cussed. Deal with it. My days start with deciding IF I can get out of bed, not do I want to. If I can, what energy do I have, and what needs to be done? My day is a constant cycle of self awareness in regards to my abilities that day. Some days a 50lb bag of dog food is easy to bring up 10 steps. Some days, like today, I nearly fell down them backwards. Spoon Theory – look it up!  it’s my life.  What happens when you have no energy, much less your legs are numb and walking is painful – and the service dog needs to go potty? You go. You suck the pain down into your belly, you breath like a mother giving birth and you go. You do it because he is worth it. Without him I’de be dead 14 times now (as of this moment). I’m sure he’ll save my bacon again. He is seriously amazing.

People in the SCA started off thinking I couldn’t do anything. I had to work my ass off proving that the line of thinking is bullshit. I just can’t run around fields anymore delivering water and first aid. I can’t run errands or stand in the kitchen the entire day. Instead, I do trade offs. I sit at the MOL table and help there – still on the field – but, in a different way.  I use stools in the kitchen to sit on and when I need to – I get up. But, I have learned to plan ahead. What will I need to do xyz. Most scadians don’t get that. It’ll take time and training to show them that I can do things, just not what they are used to. LOL

SCA – what is that you ask? It’s high school all over again with a bunch of adults. Some are the good kids, some are the asshats, some are amazing, some are talented, some try too hard to be in the “In crowd” and get awards.  I see it all. I miss nothing. It’s a bonus for loosing some mental skills and gaining others. Despite all that, with the right people to hang with, it’s pretty cool. The artisans make me dream of being able to do things like sew, make metal medallions, carve leather (not ever happening with these hands), sew, yes I said that twice!, and so many other things. The fencers – ah but I do miss that. And doing combat archery. But, my body won’t allow either. I can’t hold weapons for very long. With the help of a japanese historian (Godai) and an amazing cook (Khadir), I am able to actually do some archery without killing my arms. Amen for Mongols and their awesome bows! Some folks I wish I could be like. Caridwen for instance. She’s just amazeballs. She walks into a room and everyone does the disney “awwwsome”. But, alas my social graces suck due to Asperger, ADD, brain damage and terrible fear of people.

So, with all that, change. What do I want to change? How can I do it? What things can I do and can’t? What is realistic? This is why people fear it. So many possibilities and unpredictable variances. Oooh big phrases. Yup, I used to use them. I’m loosing my vocabulary as that area of the brain isn’t responding to treatment. 😦 But, my artistic skills are improving. Weirdness.

So let’s look at me. Who I am now. What flaws I want to change. Anger towards those that have hurt me. It’s deep rooted. It’s hurting me and who I am. It’s showing others the worst part of me and no one wants to see the great parts. So, what do I do? There is a lady in the sca who doesn’t realize what an influence she has on me. Why? She is huge, she is balsy, talented and straight forward. She is honest with me – which not many are. And she calls it like it is. Ok, there are 2 like that. Glynis and Kit. They tell me to let it go, just relax, have fun, find my center when someones an asshat. But, anger. For years I have been angry. Abandoned, mentally abused, dealing with a narcissist for years, lied to, cheated on, physically abused, people who try and get reactions out of me to make themselves look innocent and victims……yeah not so easy to get rid of anger. In fact, I do think it’s the hardest part for anyone who has been abused to do. Seriously. I often try and try and just can’t do it. But, with these 2 ladies on my ass to deal with it – I have started getting better. Having a particular person look at my scrolls this past saturday (NOT DANIELLE) and tell me they are not quite good enough for court yet and to put them on perg not bristol (sorry not everyone can afford tons of purg), I could have killed them(AGAIN NOT DANIELLE) right on the spot. That is a hot button with me having to deal with specific people over the last 2 years that pushed those buttons often. Though, I am beginning to wonder if people don’t realize that telling me i’m not good enough for something is a serious hot button given my past and never being good enough for the person i loved and my parents.Also, they don’t see what I can do. Because I’m disabled now, they have that automatic response. Oh you have a service dog, you can’t do that. You have braces on your hands, you can’t do that. The whole time I was thinking what would kit do (WWKD), I put them into the pile for Triton he said they were the last 2 to come in and he  had all of them and thanked me. Not a problem. Danielle gave me the idea of putting translations in english with them (I did but, it got taken off the scroll in the handlings). They were in court and people loved them.(I was asked how I found out their colors, etc. I said – scribes are magic that way).  I didn’t fold, I put them where they went instead of hiding them and taking the blame for them not showing up. – that is a change. Dealing with my anger, that is a small change. 1 thing at a time. that’s all anyone can do.

Change is subtle, not immediate. True change. Change that comes too fast isn’t often lasting. Though I had 1 goal to change – how I dealt with particular pest. And I did, and I had a great day at the MOL table feeling useful, laughing, working with a great leader who gave me some amazing ideas on how to run a table with odd marshals. It was a good day, with me only feeling totally stupid once. I do that with royals and peers and ok everyone – I just can’t talk to them like a normal human beings. I get tongue tied and stupid things poor out. I rehearse it in my head and still monkey gibberish will spill. Damn aspie mouth.

So, change – needs  – practice. You can’t change something right away. It needs to be repeated. My goal – go to other events with this trigger of a person and do the same thing. Confront non-confrontationally if they try their shit,(anyone in general not specifics) something to do to keep busy and happy (the more I get to do the happier I am- I am a doer not a talker), smile and keep all negative words out of my vocabulary.

So that is the first thing to change. It will show others I am working on that anger issue, it will show me that I can influence my own self to make those changes, and it will help me to foster other changes in my life. Now to learn calligraphy better….ugh that is a goal that is going to take years…..LOL So this, is the first of many ramblings of an ADD, Aspie, with brain and body trauma. Hope you went with the flow and didn’t get too lost!

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