Today I was eating cereal for dinner and realized something. I am older than my mother when she committed suicide, and I’m just like her before she did. Now that is more profound than you can imagine. I loved it when she died. I was finally free. But, over the last 5 years I have come to understand why she did it. And I don’t blame her – I envy her.
Friends have lost loved ones to suicide, but, they don’t talk about it. And that’s wrong. Sharing the pain helps to educate others. I know this for a fact, as I have helped many over the last 4 years by sharing my shit. The physical, emotional and sometimes irrational pain and fears of a person with extreme PTSD-Depressive episodes, Bad thyroid, hypokalemia, brain and nerve damage. I’m a seriously fucked up body and my mind is getting less sharp.
I have little to no true friends and I don’t make them easily. Hell my ex I want to stab and he never went to therapy with me stating I was the fucked up one, not him why should he go and support me. Seriously.
I have become to understand my mother more these last 3 weeks. Stuck at home, can’t go out. No money to even by a dollar meal item at mcdonalds. No friends ask me over to dinner, or play games, or hang out and watch movies because of leroy or they aren’t sure how I will be. (They don’t even give me a chance – and if they did they would realize I am much better than they know or realize – and I’m actually a great person.) But, that is irrational fear of the unknown – it makes other people stay away from you. When in fact, if they did the opposite they might actually enjoy themselves. Duh.
I have been eating nothing but soup and cereal for the last 2 weeks. Something my mom did before she killed herself. I saw my hands today and noticed they looked like hers without the gaudy jewelry. It was a bit creepy.
I am tired all the time, doing basic chores is tough when you can’t lift anything for fear that your vertebre will crush your spinal chord. Everything I do at SCA events is calculated before hand and I live a contstant step ahead of whatever I have planned. I always have back up plans for everything. I have to. I never know when my r arm or l leg are going to give out. When this stupid headache on the r temple will go away or come back again. My liver is so full of medication that it constantly hurts like the worste period cramps in the middle of the body – radiating to the rest. My life is miserable. People bitch and complain about work – oh boo hoo I’de love to work again. I wake up at 7am, back to sleep by 9 due to pills and then up around 1 to take leroy out. Lately I’ve been back to sleep from 2 to 4 because the pain in my stomach from eating has been so bad I constantly have naseua. Nothing I can do about any of it. They are all side effects of medications and my body resisting healing.
If I was a cat or a dog like this – you would have me put down. Hell, I’de love nothing more than to go to sleep and not wake up. I have to agree with Robin Williams wife, he didn’t want to have people see him falling apart. I get that. I hate my life with so much venom no one could possibly understand. Since hawaii I have been the most miserable person I have ever known – except my mother. I am fat, I can’t loose weight no matter what I try because of the thyroid, medications and spinal injuries. I barely take in enough calories to keep my glucose levels stable. (soup 100 calories, cereal 250 – everything else is either water, crystal light or no sugar fruit water).
people are hesitant to let me do things – they never know how I’ll do. There is a serious lack of consistency due to the lack of energy or even lack of interest in life. I’m tired of people complaining they don’t have money for pennsic. Seriously I live off 700/month with only 150 left after bills. Yes, I’ve gone up 100! But, with all I have to do, it’s not enough. Hell I know people who spend 20 a meal 4 nights a week regularly. The price of SCA events has gone from 9 to 17 on the average. Without feast! And then there is the cost of gas to get there. So that limits me majorly. And when I do go since I’m not apart of the cool kids club I get shit constantly – even at coronation a baroness decided to play a very sick and twisted joke on me at the mol table. It was just nasty but, I ever endeer to ignore her. Sadly, I have to camp with her at pennsic. I wonder if she knows yet?
My mother – was psychotic at best. She sold me on a regular basis for drug money. A fact my brother ignores and doesn’t want to deal with. Her husband raped and physically abuse me and my brother. Again – he lives in denial. Raped at gun point and with guns I think was the worste. It made me afraid of them. Luckily a guy i knew helped with that. Now i am not only afraid, but, i own my own. Progress. Other progress, I don’t hate my mom or my step dad. I felt sorry for them. what had they gone through to do that to me? I totally forgive them – it’s a cycle, if you don’t forgive them, you can’t forgive yourself. It’s the only way to break the chain. However, I have her anger. When You have hurt me so badly that I break and snap – you have done something very very wrong to me. And that has happened 3 times since I was 18. 2 to the same person – which should have been a sign. 1 I will never forgive myself – but, he totally deserved that lil’ slap in the face. (that’s all I did – a comedic, girl mad at guy face slap). But, it was enough to show him I wouldn’t take his bullshit anymore. The other I finally had the guts and strength to push them away from me and they hit the ground with their face. And I don’t regret doing it. But, they put it all over the web that I beat the crap out of him – bullshit. I protected myself for the first time. The 3rd – well that one is just pure anger. Simply enough. I had had enough of being blamed, told I’m not worthy anything, told I need to die and get out of their life and I would never be loved again (that parts true and I’m still angry that it came true) and that I was never going to be anything but a closeted psychopath whose stuck at home with no friends, no events and I will remain just like my mother. Yup – there it was. Truth in my face. And so far – he’s been right. Hence the understanding of why people want to kill themselves, even my favorite step brother. I understand them all. Even, for once, my mother.