Understanding My Mom’s Suicide

Today I was eating cereal for dinner and realized something. I am older than my mother when she committed suicide, and I’m just like her before she did. Now that is more profound than you can imagine. I loved it when she died. I was finally free. But, over the last 5 years I have come to understand why she did it. And I don’t blame her – I envy her.

Friends have lost loved ones to suicide, but, they don’t talk about it. And that’s wrong. Sharing the pain helps to educate others. I know this for a fact, as I have helped many over the last 4 years by sharing my shit. The physical, emotional and sometimes irrational pain and fears of a person with extreme PTSD-Depressive episodes, Bad thyroid, hypokalemia, brain and nerve damage. I’m a seriously fucked up body and my mind is getting less sharp.

I have little to no true friends and I don’t make them easily. Hell my ex I want to stab and he never went to therapy with me stating I was the fucked up one, not him why should he go and support me. Seriously.

I have become to understand my mother more these last 3 weeks. Stuck at home, can’t go out. No money to even by a dollar meal item at mcdonalds. No friends ask me over to dinner, or play games, or hang out and watch movies because of leroy or they aren’t sure how I will be. (They don’t even give me a chance – and if they did they would realize I am much better than they know or realize – and I’m actually a great person.) But, that is irrational fear of the unknown – it makes other people stay away from you. When in fact, if they did the opposite they might actually enjoy themselves. Duh.

I have been eating nothing but soup and  cereal for the last 2 weeks. Something my mom did before she killed herself. I saw my hands today and noticed they looked like hers without the gaudy jewelry. It was a bit creepy.

I am tired all the time, doing basic chores is tough when you can’t lift anything for fear that your vertebre will crush your spinal chord. Everything I do at SCA events is calculated before hand and I live a contstant step ahead of whatever I have planned. I always have back up plans for everything. I have to. I never know when my r arm or l leg are going to give out. When this stupid headache on the r temple will go away or come back again. My liver is so full of medication that it constantly hurts like the worste period cramps in the middle of the body – radiating to the rest. My life is miserable. People bitch and complain about work – oh boo hoo I’de love to work again. I wake up at 7am, back to sleep by 9 due to pills and then up around 1 to take leroy out. Lately I’ve been back to sleep from 2 to 4 because the pain in my stomach from eating has been so bad I constantly have naseua. Nothing I can do about any of it. They are all side effects of medications and my body resisting healing.

If I was a cat or a dog like this – you would have me put down. Hell, I’de love nothing more than to go to sleep and not wake up. I have to agree with Robin Williams wife, he didn’t want to have people see him falling apart. I get that. I hate my life with so much venom no one could possibly understand. Since hawaii I have been the most miserable person I have ever known – except my mother.  I am fat, I can’t loose weight no matter what I try because of the thyroid, medications and spinal injuries. I barely take in enough calories to keep my glucose levels stable. (soup 100 calories, cereal 250 – everything else is either water, crystal light or no sugar fruit water).

people are hesitant to let me do things – they never know how I’ll do. There is a serious lack of consistency due to the lack of energy or even lack of interest in life. I’m tired of people complaining they don’t have money for pennsic. Seriously I live off 700/month with only 150 left after bills. Yes, I’ve gone up 100! But, with all I have to do, it’s not enough. Hell I know people who spend 20 a meal 4 nights a week regularly. The price of SCA events has gone from 9 to 17 on the average. Without feast! And then there is the cost of gas to get there. So that limits me majorly. And when I do go since I’m not apart of the cool kids club I get shit constantly – even at coronation a baroness decided to play a very sick and twisted joke on me at the mol table. It was just nasty but, I ever endeer to ignore her. Sadly, I have to camp with her at pennsic. I wonder if she knows yet?

My mother – was psychotic at best. She sold me on a regular basis for drug money. A fact my brother ignores and doesn’t want to deal with. Her husband raped and physically abuse me and my brother. Again – he lives in denial. Raped at gun point and with guns I think was the worste. It made me afraid of them. Luckily a guy i knew helped with that. Now i am not only afraid, but, i own my own. Progress. Other progress, I don’t hate my mom or my step dad. I felt sorry for them. what had they gone through to do that to me? I totally forgive them – it’s a cycle, if you don’t forgive them, you can’t forgive yourself. It’s the only way to break the chain. However, I have her anger. When You have hurt me so badly that I break and snap – you have done something very very wrong to me. And that has happened 3 times since I was 18. 2 to the same person – which should have been a sign. 1 I will never forgive myself – but, he totally deserved that lil’ slap in the face. (that’s all I did – a comedic, girl mad at guy face slap). But, it was enough to show him I wouldn’t take his bullshit anymore. The other I finally had the guts and strength to push them away from me and they hit the ground with their face. And I don’t regret doing it. But, they put it all over the web that I beat the crap out of him – bullshit. I protected myself for the first time. The 3rd – well that one is just pure anger. Simply enough. I had had enough of being blamed, told I’m not worthy anything, told I need to die and get out of their life and I would never be loved again (that parts true and I’m still angry that it came true) and that I was never going to be anything but a closeted psychopath whose stuck at home with no friends, no events and I will remain just like my mother. Yup – there it was. Truth in my face. And so far – he’s been right. Hence the understanding of why people want to kill themselves, even my favorite step brother. I understand them all. Even, for once, my mother.

SCA & High School

People often say I talk about myself a lot. It’s not that I want to, it’s that I can’t stand uncomfortable silence and I try too hard to get someone I think is awesome like me. And It’s a butt biting issue.

So tonight, I met 9 new people. And I asked them about a shirt they were wearing or about the game we were playing. And I learned a lot. But, I apparently seemed stupid. So I am having an issue with this. when is listening too much and when is talking too much.

Unlike many I know in the sca and thought were cool, I realized they are just award mongers and power hungry – so much for really thinking they were awesome! Some are so blatant but, they get away with it because of who they are “in with”. It’s like high school!

Someone told me I’de be in the cool kids group if I didn’t talk about myself all the time. So I stopped. And I’m still not there. Why? Because I don’t drink, I don’t get snarky towards people, I don’t think I’m better than anyone – and make people feel awful because of it! I don’t kiss tail and I don’t suck up. I don’t ignore people who are new and don’t know things, instead I make it a point to talk to them and make them feel welcomed and NOT looked down on because their cloths are 100% period. I don’t want to belong to a household, become a peer or get awards. After 20 years I have an AoA and a Coral Branch. I am totally happy with that! Why? Because of who gave them to me and why. That makes the awards special. I wouldn’t want to get award after award just because I know so and so, belong to xy household or become a baroness or baron because of wanting to be power and better than others. that’s the wrong reasons. I am happy with my awards because the people who gave them to me were awesome. I have service awards from awesome people. I’m great with that!! And I am proud of them more than the coral branch.

Unfortunately, this kingdom is known for buttheads, rhinos and period natzi’s. It’s sad when you move to another kingdom and they all say I am so sorry you lived there. It must have been awful, we are going to have to calibrate your hits before you practice with anyone. Fencers here don’t hit as hard as Atlantian ones.  I mean seriously. It’s just – ugh. It happened in 4 kingdoms….that’s the sad part.My kingdom has a horrible reputation. And asking folks why they don’t play anymore – well it’s proof just how bad it is. (though this last reign really did a great job of fixing that. Especially at Gulf Wars.I’de like to have them again – and see how much things improve! So there is hope.)

SCA and High school are similar. You have the suck ups, the cool kids, the jocks, the nerds (AKA A&S folks), the cloths nazi’s, the book nerds (me!), the outcasts (me again) and the cliques. It’s ok. We all went through this so by now we should know how to navigate it – right? NOPE. Even as adults we still have a hard time with it. Only now it’s because we know this shouldn’t be happening! It bothers our sense of justice, right and wrong, good and bad. It just feels wrong.

So, over the last 2 years since moving back to Atlantia full time and seeing the same stuff over and over again I decided 2 things. 1) I am not in high school anymore and I’m not playing that game and 2) I play with, where, and when I like. If you don’t like it – go play elsewhere. Simple plan, simple rules, simple outcome – no drama (or as little as possible). I have kicked people out of my life and have removed some from my facebook because of this new rule. I am not letting you get me upset. Stick your nose up their tushes  bet it stinks! Play your period nazi rules on your own household – the rest of us don’t care. it’s a hobby. And if you don’t like the way I do something – fine. Say something – but, when I catch you being nasty – then I’ll deal with it.

This happened at defending the gate with  “pretty girl baroness club” antics and did what I enjoyed which was sitting at the mol table shuffling papers. I enjoy paperwork – I know, I’m insane. But, I am really good at organizing anything! Seriously. Really, very good.

So, I had to get this out – why? Tonight reminded me that no matter what you do life is still high school when you get 3 or more people together. No matter what the reason you are all together. Someone is going to hate you, someone won’t care and you. Ignore the other 2 and just have fun. Have your own fun and ignore the rest. And leave the bad woman slapping that needs to be done to someone else. Not my high school, not my buttheads, not my problem. LOL

Steps Make Energy

Right, What? Well, since I got this Ifit in December I have gone from 300 to 5,000 steps a day. For a person with my lack of spoons that’s awesome. I sometimes do the normal 10,000. But, I have noticed a trend. It takes steps to get spoons. I know what you’re thinking – no way possible. When you don’t have spoons you can’t make more. But, it’s true. I push myself to do 2,000 when I have no spoons, and I end up having enough spoons to do a few more things and even a few more steps. Negative spoons can’t make positive ones. Not true.

Much like exercising, physiologists have noted that when a person does exercise in the morning they have more energy that day. If you do it at night – it’ll keep you up. So, thinking about this (and having my anatomy and physiology professor going – “I told you so!”) I decided to try something. No matter how low my spoons are (Like today I’ve been in and out of bed since 7am) I push myself to 2,000 steps. (Without leroy due to his back pain.) And after that I did some laundry and some dishes….what???? Yup, I had more spoons. Now I’ve been doing this thought process for 2 weeks now. And it started with 1,000 now up to 2,000 – with no spoons for it. It’s pure torture I won’t lie. I want to curl up in a ball with the cat and throw a temper tantrum the size of the grand canyon. “Don’t make me walk, I can’t, no spoons!” But, I give in telling myself I am doing this for the good of…well, me. And low and behold – halfway in and my spoons are returning.

We need to rest, we have no spoons. Sometimes it’s better just to stay flat on our backs and nap. But, sometimes it’s worth that push. Much like a running pushing through that bit of pain for the last mile – they are glad they did. And I too am glad I tried this lil’ experiment of mine. I have had more spoons than normal. Even while sick (Now there’s something to think about!).

So, yes, negative spoons can yield into positive ones. You just have to “push it”…and now that song is stuck in my head…..

Service Dog Blues

So, friday my SD leroy slipped on the wet steps. I thought he just stretched his muscles as I saw so bruising, nothing. Since then he has been acting more panicky, breathing harder and eyes wide. So I called the vet for an am apt. I am not waisting any time on this. I am having flashbacks of my last dog with the same injury – and it was cancer – very aggressive. So, to say that I am freaking out just a lil bit is about right. I am running all sorts of senarios in my head. A hundred “what if’s”. If he does have something super bad, I am going to do right by him. But, I won’t be getting another SD anytime soon. Which is going to make me not go out as much, not do as much, and not talk to people as much. And I am ok with this. 2 in 2 years will be too much. (No puns intended). His breathing is heavy and labored. So I am going to sleep on the floor with him tonight. And Pray that he just pulled a muscle.

Accepting help

Sometimes we have to accept help. Even when we dont want it. We need to learn to accept it gracefully and with a warm heart. People give because they want to and they care. We need to put aside pride and allow them. Its good for both parties. Balance. Give n take. Just pay it forward when you can. And be proud that someone cared enough about you to help when you needed it

SPOONS

Spoons. Some days you have them, some days you don’t. What are spoons? Why are they important? Well it started with a lady talking to her friend in a restaurant about her chronic pain. She showed her how things you do are measured in the amount of spoons you have. But, some days you don’t have enough spoons. So, you can’t do anything. NOTHING.

Yesterday I had no spoons. Walking the dog was exhausting to the point I took an hour nap after each trip. I didn’t eat, and I forgot my shots. Again. This is the issue with spoons. It’s not just exhaustion. It’s memory loss, or as we call it – fybro fog. You don’t think, you just exist. Some days I could climb Diamond Head sometimes I can’t even take my meds. It’s all about the spoon limit.

So, what do I do when I have good days? Clean, cook food for several meals (knowing some days I can’t cook), bath Leroy, plant some flowers, get wood for the fireplace. But, mostly they are spent catching up on the things I couldn’t get done. Simple things like dishes, dusting and vacuuming.

People tell me I am so lucky not to work. Seriously! I reply “I will give you what I go through in a day just to be able to work again.”  They don’t get it. It’s not that I don’t want to work – it’s that I can’t. I try! I find a job I think I can manage and then nope. Within 2 weeks I am toasted. I can’t think, I can’t move, I can’t eat. I am worn out. So, I tried working as an environmental educator at a local zoo. I only work 10 mins every hour. Easy right? No. I am in public, in front of people and I have to keep the animal safe from grabbing hands. It’s not easy. Did I mention the cage cleaning? Yeah…..

I wish I could do what I used to. I wish my people skills didn’t suck so bad from the aspie zone. I wish I wasn’t afraid of people. I wish my body didn’t hurt and ache all the time. I wish I had – spoons.

I went to a sci fi con. It was fun. i enjoyed it. But, for the following week I was down for the count. Despite me gauging my walking, making sure I had protein and water. I went to an sca event for 1 day, the following 2 I was down for the count. I went to an event in NC for 4 days…..yeah that took 2 weeks to recover from. Spoons are fickle. Some 1 day events I have no problems. I can never guess or predict when I will or won’t have spoons. It’s frustrating!

Due to the cops n fights n such the other night my spoons have been lacking (that and an outpatient surgery) my spoons flew away. I started biting my nails again, pulling my hair – and I didn’t notice until today. Bakah!

So it’s easy to explain spoons. People get that concept because they have something to connect to. I mean everyone eats, right?! Be patient with the spoonless, they don’t like it. They think they are worthless because they can’t do what they did before. They get depressed and it’s no wonder! They hate not being able to do the basic things in life. And doing the amazing things they used to do is painful and fruitless. So they feel dumb, inadequate and a zero. Remind them that they are loved, wanted, amazing and stronger than they think. Remind them you love and care for them. They need to know. They need to know someone understands that they have no spoons and is willing to help them with love, patience and understanding. And on those days they have spoons – no chores. Do something fun, something they haven’t done in awhile. The chores can wait. Having a great day – that is the most priceless thing they have – and making it better is the best gift you can give.

 

 

Starting A New Me

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Me and Leroy The Service Dog

So, what do you do when you see bad patterns repeating? You try your best to start over. And Last weekend I did just that. I had it in my head to start over. Be stronger, be happier, enjoy the little things a little more. What things? Life. Peoples smiles, their laughter, watching fighters and fencers and people in the SCA in general. Who do I want to be? In the SCA, in my homelife, in my world. How can I achieve it?

It’s not easy being disabled, unhealthy, broken and mentally fucked up. Yes, I cussed. Deal with it. My days start with deciding IF I can get out of bed, not do I want to. If I can, what energy do I have, and what needs to be done? My day is a constant cycle of self awareness in regards to my abilities that day. Some days a 50lb bag of dog food is easy to bring up 10 steps. Some days, like today, I nearly fell down them backwards. Spoon Theory – look it up!  it’s my life.  What happens when you have no energy, much less your legs are numb and walking is painful – and the service dog needs to go potty? You go. You suck the pain down into your belly, you breath like a mother giving birth and you go. You do it because he is worth it. Without him I’de be dead 14 times now (as of this moment). I’m sure he’ll save my bacon again. He is seriously amazing.

People in the SCA started off thinking I couldn’t do anything. I had to work my ass off proving that the line of thinking is bullshit. I just can’t run around fields anymore delivering water and first aid. I can’t run errands or stand in the kitchen the entire day. Instead, I do trade offs. I sit at the MOL table and help there – still on the field – but, in a different way.  I use stools in the kitchen to sit on and when I need to – I get up. But, I have learned to plan ahead. What will I need to do xyz. Most scadians don’t get that. It’ll take time and training to show them that I can do things, just not what they are used to. LOL

SCA – what is that you ask? It’s high school all over again with a bunch of adults. Some are the good kids, some are the asshats, some are amazing, some are talented, some try too hard to be in the “In crowd” and get awards.  I see it all. I miss nothing. It’s a bonus for loosing some mental skills and gaining others. Despite all that, with the right people to hang with, it’s pretty cool. The artisans make me dream of being able to do things like sew, make metal medallions, carve leather (not ever happening with these hands), sew, yes I said that twice!, and so many other things. The fencers – ah but I do miss that. And doing combat archery. But, my body won’t allow either. I can’t hold weapons for very long. With the help of a japanese historian (Godai) and an amazing cook (Khadir), I am able to actually do some archery without killing my arms. Amen for Mongols and their awesome bows! Some folks I wish I could be like. Caridwen for instance. She’s just amazeballs. She walks into a room and everyone does the disney “awwwsome”. But, alas my social graces suck due to Asperger, ADD, brain damage and terrible fear of people.

So, with all that, change. What do I want to change? How can I do it? What things can I do and can’t? What is realistic? This is why people fear it. So many possibilities and unpredictable variances. Oooh big phrases. Yup, I used to use them. I’m loosing my vocabulary as that area of the brain isn’t responding to treatment. 😦 But, my artistic skills are improving. Weirdness.

So let’s look at me. Who I am now. What flaws I want to change. Anger towards those that have hurt me. It’s deep rooted. It’s hurting me and who I am. It’s showing others the worst part of me and no one wants to see the great parts. So, what do I do? There is a lady in the sca who doesn’t realize what an influence she has on me. Why? She is huge, she is balsy, talented and straight forward. She is honest with me – which not many are. And she calls it like it is. Ok, there are 2 like that. Glynis and Kit. They tell me to let it go, just relax, have fun, find my center when someones an asshat. But, anger. For years I have been angry. Abandoned, mentally abused, dealing with a narcissist for years, lied to, cheated on, physically abused, people who try and get reactions out of me to make themselves look innocent and victims……yeah not so easy to get rid of anger. In fact, I do think it’s the hardest part for anyone who has been abused to do. Seriously. I often try and try and just can’t do it. But, with these 2 ladies on my ass to deal with it – I have started getting better. Having a particular person look at my scrolls this past saturday (NOT DANIELLE) and tell me they are not quite good enough for court yet and to put them on perg not bristol (sorry not everyone can afford tons of purg), I could have killed them(AGAIN NOT DANIELLE) right on the spot. That is a hot button with me having to deal with specific people over the last 2 years that pushed those buttons often. Though, I am beginning to wonder if people don’t realize that telling me i’m not good enough for something is a serious hot button given my past and never being good enough for the person i loved and my parents.Also, they don’t see what I can do. Because I’m disabled now, they have that automatic response. Oh you have a service dog, you can’t do that. You have braces on your hands, you can’t do that. The whole time I was thinking what would kit do (WWKD), I put them into the pile for Triton he said they were the last 2 to come in and he  had all of them and thanked me. Not a problem. Danielle gave me the idea of putting translations in english with them (I did but, it got taken off the scroll in the handlings). They were in court and people loved them.(I was asked how I found out their colors, etc. I said – scribes are magic that way).  I didn’t fold, I put them where they went instead of hiding them and taking the blame for them not showing up. – that is a change. Dealing with my anger, that is a small change. 1 thing at a time. that’s all anyone can do.

Change is subtle, not immediate. True change. Change that comes too fast isn’t often lasting. Though I had 1 goal to change – how I dealt with particular pest. And I did, and I had a great day at the MOL table feeling useful, laughing, working with a great leader who gave me some amazing ideas on how to run a table with odd marshals. It was a good day, with me only feeling totally stupid once. I do that with royals and peers and ok everyone – I just can’t talk to them like a normal human beings. I get tongue tied and stupid things poor out. I rehearse it in my head and still monkey gibberish will spill. Damn aspie mouth.

So, change – needs  – practice. You can’t change something right away. It needs to be repeated. My goal – go to other events with this trigger of a person and do the same thing. Confront non-confrontationally if they try their shit,(anyone in general not specifics) something to do to keep busy and happy (the more I get to do the happier I am- I am a doer not a talker), smile and keep all negative words out of my vocabulary.

So that is the first thing to change. It will show others I am working on that anger issue, it will show me that I can influence my own self to make those changes, and it will help me to foster other changes in my life. Now to learn calligraphy better….ugh that is a goal that is going to take years…..LOL So this, is the first of many ramblings of an ADD, Aspie, with brain and body trauma. Hope you went with the flow and didn’t get too lost!