Trust, Triggers, Breathing & PTSD/Abuse

This is going to be tough for you to read. Really – but, it will also give you hope. See, I have PTSD with extreme depression due to years of child sexual and physical abuse. Add that to adult rapes, rapes by others as a child and wow….trust does not exist in my world. Or rather it didn’t. Im 47 and I finally understand how to trust and what it takes.

We know from hypnosis and regression therapy that the abuse started at age 3 by a family friend named Meryl and another named PR. (Nick names we think.) Also, someone named Edna and her husband as a young child.  There are more – but, this gives you an idea of the pain and trauma. Add in the step father’s abuse, sexual abuse and mental abuse and oh yeah – I’m a whopping pile of ugly emotions.

Then, adult years we have rape by 3 marines. 2 exes who were physically abuse & Emotionally. Add in the trauma of the accident and ohhh looky! More ugly.  How the hell can anyone function after all that??? Why am I not dead? Luck. Friends. Love. Hope. Great drugs. LOL

So, as an adult, these past issues have affected my relationships in many ways. I get in front of people or around people and I stutter, act like an ass, and I talk like a frieght train hitting a wall and not make a lick of sense.  Until I get to know you, not fear you, not be gaurded. Then, the few that get to that point – find out that there is an amazing brain (I’m the top 10% of people in the US on intelligence levels – like Mensa plus), a kind heart, a will to learn and grow. These few that even bother find out that I am not the weirdo I seem to be, my brain just works very differently than most. PTSD w/add and they are thinking aspie on the low spectrum now. (Answer for everything these days).

So, how the hell am I surviving this new relationship?? (Oh yeah, Miso Man. The friend I had when I lived in Hawaii before),  well, January 29th was the first kiss of many. We have grown, I have grown and changed because of him. Despite the abuse, despite the quick temper, despite the suspicions on my side…..more on that in a bit.

Relationships are a give and take. I vowed to never fall in love again after 3 abusive ones. the first abuse was pure neglect. Pure ignoring what was happening around them and me. The second was cheating, lying, using me for home and money. The 3rd was lying, cheating (A lot) and he freaked out and is so paranoid that i’m out to get him, he sold his apt because I am too close to him. (I didn’t even know he lived there LOL).

But, along comes Miso.  Patient, caring, kind, loving, intelligent, funny as hell.  He was a friend, and turned lover, and now we are in a relationship. Me, again, oh hell what have I done to deserve this man? I mean come on!  Dear followers – I am blessed with amazing friends and now an amazing man. He knows I’m openly bi and that I fall in love with the person – not the gender. He knows my adopted son is gay and married and my ex is ftm. He knows I’m broken, bent and emotionally unstable. And he is still here.

Some of the things people with PTSD and depression have to deal with, our spouses/so’s can’t. The emotional outburst, the aches and physical pains which keep us from doing things, the freak outs in crowds, the inability to express needs, wants and desires. They have a hard time with constant therapy and medications. They have a hard time with basic day to day things with us. The “Why aren’t you” the “Did you just” the “WTF was that?!” and the “I’m too tired to argue anymore.” Sound familiar?

Now you know the background – how am I alive and healing? Miso Man firstly is Japanese and grew up with a Buddhist family. So calm, quiet and conservative is in his genes. LOL Though where his wacky, off beat, often inappropriate humor comes from I have no clue – but I am so glad he has it. He keeps me in stitches.  And that is helping me heal. Really, laughing works.

When I start to blow up or get mad, he makes me crack up. Then we talk about what set me off. He has taught me to stop, take a couple deep breaths and ask myself – “what happened and why did I react that way.” Trust me, I am not great at this. It’s a learning process. But, one worth doing. He catches me before a trigger hits, or immediately after and stabilizes my breathing and thoughts. I want to get better for me, but, also so he doesn’t have to do that as often as he does. Unlike my ex, he went to my psych apt and observed, listened and gave input. So he knows what he is getting into completely.

He watches me. Like really watches me. He has learned that if my sugar gets low I get cranky. So he reminds me to eat or just gives me something. LOL  He has also noticed triggers. Noise first thing in the morning, crowds that are extremely fast or loud. Also, visual issues – bright lights (I live in Hawaii – sunglasses are a must!), flashing strobes and some led’s will set me off to crankyville with no warning. So, being the superman he is, he tends to hold my head against him or holds my hand to counteract the triggers.

I have learned from this. I now know what some triggers are and how to understand them. Next is the why – why does it trigger me? (That’s still in process. LOL) Diet – seriously. Eat 3 meals a day or 5 small. Take your meds ON TIME, same time everyday. Set alarm reminders on your phone. It takes 3 to 4 weeks to make a habit. Start asap.  Caffeine – most people with PTSD are night owls. We can’t help it. The world around us is quieter, calmer, less chaotic.  Because of that caffeine is an enemy. None after 5 works. It does.  Talk to your Dr. about the insomnia and medications that will help. You may have to take a few diff ones before you find the right one. But, a great nights sleep is worth it.

I have trust issues – like major. He knows this. He knows I’m suspicious of emails, texts, calls, internet. And he knows I’m working hard on not being so damn suspicious. A call early in the am when he doesn’t normally get any at all – that set me on edge. I know I can trust him now. But, part of my brain hasn’t caught on to it. He told me after who called and why. I told him I didn’t need to know. He laughed and told me flat out that I did need to know and my brain won’t stop being bitchy until I find out. Even if I’m not saying or doing anything. It’s still there in the back of my mind. He acknowledged it, and told me it’s OK to feel that way given the amount of lying, cheating, and crap that went on with past relationships. And he reminded me – he is not them. (A lesson I am continually learning and having issues with I assure you!)

We talked about trust, about information, about me telling him when something is bugging me and TOGETHER we figure out why. Then, we come up with game plans. Putting safety nets in place. Like the stop and breath, like his hand over my eyes to calm me down. Really, that worked cause in the CatScan I put my hand over my eyes like he does and woah, no drug needed no panic attack. It’s taken 4 months to be able to do it. But, he still does it to reafirm that it’s OK and I am SAFE.

WE have built in systems for safety, stability and Fun.  Naturally. We didn’t say “Hey we are going to”….no, it just happened. And I want to share this with you dear friends so that you can find hope, maybe clues, maybe “Oh My GLOBS ME TOO!”. So you see you aren’t alone.  Let me know if you try any of this and does it work for you. Doesn’t work for everyone. We all have to find our triggers, our crankies and our good points too.

I have learned to love myself despite my brokenness, my crankiness, my physical concerns. I have learned that I can trust and love again. I have been learning how to heal, slowly, carefully, naturally.  It’s painful. We have had some doozie fights. But, we end them asap, talk and listen. Relationships are complicated. Even more so when you have a partner who has PTSD/Abuse/Trauma and bad relationships in the past.

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ADD, WORKING and DISABILITIES

Why hello Strangers!  It’s been a long time. I am going to start writing again. I need the outlet and hopefully others will get something from it as well.  So, what has happened in the life of the ADD, PTSD, NEUROPATHY, FYBRO gal that is me?

Well, Given my last post was a few months ago. A LOT. No, really. A crap ton of change (oh joy!) and a lot of positive things too. So much so I can’t believe my life. It’s amazing.

In January I decided I was moving back to Hawaii not matter what. I spent a week out here looking for work. Achievement unlocked. I went home, sold 3/4 of my stuff and wella – back on the island. The whole time several things occurred: My 2 besties really supported me even though it meant me moving so far way.  A friend I made the first time – well we hung out a lot. And a lot happened with that. (more later). I learned just how much I”ve grown and changed since the divorce and accident. I also learned that hope is the key to everything.

I got to Hawaii and Quarantine killed my service dog in under 12 hours. Not kidding. Pure neglect and abuse. They wouldn’t let me take his service dog jacket off nor release him to go ahead and eat/drink from them. So – he didn’t. And, they put him in extreme heat with no water, nor shade. When they found him –  he was seizing.  Now, imagine seeing your left arm being cut off and flopping on the ground. That’s how I felt. And I have not been compensated, listened to and no lawyer will take the case because it’s against the State of Hawaii – and they have been sued plenty for this very thing.

So, I have great change. The move, the job (which was with quaranteen fyi – and I obviously didn’t take it.) So I had to find a new job, an apt. I can afford, a car. I found a cheap fun car – and it died in 3 months. LOL I found a cute apt – and it’s roach infested (the entire building). And my service dog was dead. By rights – having PTSD w/extreme depression – I should have crumbled. I should have freaked out, gone to inpatient therapy. But, I didn’t. For the first time I was focused, capable of containing my shit and doing what needed to be done. How on earth did I get here??? SUPPORT OF FRIENDS – really, that is it. They called, they wrote, they put messages of encouragement on facebutt. They kept me sane. And then, there was my silent friend, supporting me, holding me and keeping me fed.  Remember the one I have been friends with since i lived here last in 2011?  Yeah Him.

Having such amazing, unquestionable support is, well, new to me. (Other than my bestied the Doodles & the Stitch). These 3 got me through this. And, all of my friends on Facebutt.  I couldn’t have done it without them.  Yes, I got depressed, yes, I lost my shit at night and cried – but, I dealt with it in a positive way – without cutting, without pills, without my SD.  I got through it so far away from them….. and I am still amazed.

I am going to write another post about abuse/relationships/ptsd/bad habbits – after this one. So I will let all that go for now.  But, dear readers – I want to tell you a secret.  When you have bad shit happen, as my BF says: BREATH.  Stop, take 3 deeps breaths, think of something pretty, hot or sexy – and wait.  Then, after that deal with it all. I KNOW it’s hard as hell. I’ve been doing this for 6 months everyday LOL But, it works. Have a network of support. I have B, Doodles, Stitch and Miso Man. (More on him later). When you put a network of support together you put up a net.  These people I trust. (1 not so much as the others) I trust them to catch me when I fall into that depressive hole. I trust them to help me calm down and breath.  And All of January and February they did just that.  With the death, finding the apt, the car, the job, all the changes…..they held me.

You NEED to have a network. PTSD is brutal. It makes simple things difficult. It makes mundane things extreme. It makes emotions flare with no reasoning or warning.  PTSD doesn’t own you though. You can live with it. FIND those triggers. And have a safeword or phrase and a place to go to.  I find that in crowds especially – I start to get clausterphobic and panicky (especially now that I don’t have leroy my service dog). I have learned to immediately look for an open space. Focus on getting there, look down at the ground or up at that sky and breath.  Also, a wall works.  This puts the people out of your mind, the crowd goes away. If you are sensitive to noise like me – cover your ears. But, make it look like you are on a blue tooth. 🙂  Means no explanations. LOL On a small island – it’s crowded a lot.

So I survived. I am very careful about going out since Hawaii killed my SD (YES, major anger issues there). But, I have support. Miso Man and I have become beyond close. He knows I’m broke, he knows I will get angry and depressed for no reason, he knows my triggers better than I do now.  He has helped me with communication skills I lack, he has helped me with past abuse and very bad ex’s issues, he has helped me stay focused and on my meds and dr. apts. (We all need a Miso Man!).  Yes, I have disabilities. Yes, I have PTSD with massive Depressive spells. Yes, I have fybro flares (oh boy especially after snorkeling and swimming), Yes, I have tremors in my hands and legs. No, I don’t have my SD anymore – but, I am dealing with it. 5 years ago I would have committed suicide.  But today, I write about it. Give hope to others, and remind myself that I put a network in place, I have paid attention to triggers and I have grown enough to deal with the child abuse, sexual abuse, spouse abuse and self abuse. I am healing.  FINALLY at 47, I am healing. So, for you young ones – you have time. It will happen. Just Breath.

Depression Sucks, Killing my SD Sucks More, Killing myself – sounds great.

I spent the day so utterly and totally alone.  Normally, I would have Roxie or Leroy to sit with, talk at, hang with. But, I brought Leroy to Hawaii and it killed him. I won’t do the same with Roxie. I can’t. I haven’t made friends yet, I skipped the game night out of fear, and I am retreating into myself more and more each day.

I have been fighting my way out of a deep depression since the day we arrived in Hawaii and Animal Quarantine at the airport killed my boy. My service dog, my legs, my hands. My little life saver. Had I left him home, he wouldn’t have died. I blame myself 100%, others will say it’s not my fault, but, I should never have brought him here knowing the quarantine facility here kills dogs, repeatedly.

My depression made worse by being fired for being in the hospital with a stomach tumor that had to be removed in emergency surgery and two weeks before I was off 3 days for a flu that has been an epidemic on the island. I am now with only half the  rent at the end of the month, about to be out of a car as I can’t pay for gas to use it (and it hasn’t been taxed, tagged and titled yet), and my account is overdrawn. I have maybe 40.00 to my name. I have food at least. I guess I can eat myself into a diabetic coma right?

My stuff is coming fri and i have only 300 sq ft to put it in. I have no idea how. I should never have moved back. Never have left the dark, damp, cold, safe, paid for each month, confines of my apartment in frederick, md. I should have never listened to the drs who said i needed to come back here. I fucked up, I listened and now I have no clue what to do.

My legs are getting number faster. Especially whenever I sit for more than 5 minutes. Mostly my left leg all along the top of it. My ankles are in constant pain from turning under without leroy to remind me to not put my feet down when i wake up. My r hand is getting so bad i dropped a bowl to my set and with my ocd having 3 bowls not 4 of the set is driving me batty.  My ocd is getting worse due to the roaches, and my night terrors are back in full swing without leroy to wake me up. I don’t want to live like this. I can’t. I just want this nightmare over. I made this bed, and I just want to die in it.

Part of moving back was to see if we could spark my memory, along with my body’s need for sun and exercise (two things I so did not get in MD) . I need to find out who I am. My friends can’t understand as they’ve never lost a part of themsleves, much less their entire history and meomories which make up who they are. My ex, oddly does understand. He’s transgender. And he knows what it is like to constantly question his own identity and why he doesn’t seem to fit inside himself. I talked to a few other transgender friends and they too understand what I am going through.  I went to the crash site. Blood stains still on the wall, the missing bricks and chips, the sound of the car screeching at me. It haunts me. I have had some success with memory sparks as I call them. Mostly places – I get a feeling i’ve been there and I have to figure out with who and when. Still having issues with time and event distortion. Things don’t always match up. I still can’t find or figure out who the owner’s of 2 dog tags belong to in my memory box. I put the names in every social media and can’t put pictures to names to memories. I even tried linkedIN. LOL

I can do nothing but sit and cry with my feet in the sand getting bitched at by cops for being on the beach so late at night. Fuck em. Seriously. My apartment is way to damn hot. 88 today and the a/c only came down to 85.  My pittiful excuse of a fan needs a new buddy since his last one went out of the 29 story window with a massive gust of air that was a total surprise! My car needs a muffler, brake bleeding, 2nd gear, dashboard lights would be nice. But, I made the choice to get it cause it was cheap as hell with good tires, a good engine and minor issues compared to many. I need a job and I sent out over 100 resumes since last tuesday. Almost all say I am over qualified. Just because my resume says I am doesn’t mean I am. Hell, memory loss is a bitch. I can’t get into rehab services for work until the 29th – yeah, the birthday.

Everything has fallen apart since my boy died. I am to blame for all of it. I am to blame for his death. I went through heat exhaustion and dehydration, I can’t imagine his little body going through it. I wish I would have died along side of him. I do. Then, all this wouldn’t have happened, and I would have some peace for a change.

FALLING INTO PLACE

Everything falls into place when something is right. When something happens that is so powerful you cannot ignore the message the universe sends you. And wow, it has hit me on the head like a hammer.

1 week after I got approved to go back to work, 4 interviews fell into my lap. All within my field, all home.  And that’s the issue – they are all back home. There is nothing here. Where is home? Hawaii. Yeah – and therein lies the rub.

Several things have to happen to get me to the interviews, the first being money for the flight to and from, the hotel and the rental car.  And well, with only 50.00 in my back for the entire month – that’s not going to happen.

Now, go back to my first sentence. When it’s right, it happens.  1 friend used his miles to get me there.  My ex suggested a gofundme.  OK so I put it up, he helped me write it.

https://funds.gofundme.com/dashboard/Mariesinterviews

So now, the flight there is done. The hotel and car are covered by what we raised. With no extra for food – which is ok. I still have foodstamps and the hotel does breakfast of a sorts. So food stamps has food. Not doing the touristry things because – well it’s home. been there done that. LOL  I might have lunch on the beach just one time. So I can thank everyone by taking a picture of the sunset and mailing a printed 5×7  copy to them.

All that’s left is the flight home. around 450.00.  Wow, we went from 1500 to 450 in a 2 days. I have my work to do. Clothes, paperwork (all the jobs are for the State of Hawaii so there are forms for each one), resumes to print, transcripts to scan and print. 4 folders to make up, my directions from hotel to each one to print. It’s a lot of work. And i’de be leaving at 5:30am sunday morning.

Sometimes things happen when you are ready, not when you want them to. Be calm, do what you need to do to facilitate it, and then make the best of it once it happens.

Depressive Episodes

Depressive episodes happen for anyone with PTSD. Be in long term, like mine, or a soldiers quick traumatic response.  I have seen more than my share of wounded warriors with PTSD, no matter how long you have had it, the triggers and responses are the same.

So, week before christmas care accident. Christmas day drove 4 hours down to norfolk va and found out he was lying n cheating. Drove home. crying the entire way. Why?

2 days after not eating not drinking not living, getting more n more depressed. why? He hit a trigger, and the response is to shut down. The trigger was the lying and calling me worthless, fat, ugly, a joke, someone to use till his girl realized she wanted him. Yeah. He was the 3rd guy in 7 years to cheat, lie, and belittle me. All were military.  Set my trigger right off.

Calling me names, lying to me. Major triggers. And everyone has different ones. No 2 people with PTSD have the same triggers.  Some it’s sound, some it’s shadows or quick movements, some are smells, i know a guy it’s space. He became super claustrophobic to the point his bathroom is too small.

England has the right of it. They train their officers to watch for the signs. And due to this, on the battlefields, soldiers are caught early and have a quicker turn around time for recovery. what does the US do? Ignore it. Tell the soldier he is worthless and he needs to get his head back into his job. The US makes officers afraid of saying anything is wrong with them. It’s unreal the stories I hear from soldiers all over the US.

Triggers  for me it can be verbal, flicks of shadows in the corner of my eyes, people yelling and loud noises (to the point my really loud neighbor above me knows that the 3 year old is not allowed to jump on the floor and run through the house like a wild beast). Triggers are also a smell of certain foods, parents yelling at their kids, and the great angry button. Just don’t push it. ever. I come unhinged, and I can’t control it.

So you read the Christmas fiasco. it gets worse. 3 days later i get this letter from his girl and oh  it makes me angry. so much i had to go walk before i did something i’de regret. walking and running is a great way to get through that anger, that fear, that confusion. You can only control 2 things in life  = breathing (slow it down and focus on it), and hearing (you can choose to hear or not). i focus on the breathing. My heart beat, my steps, where i’m running or walking. Now I go to the gym everyday to do just that. whatever bothers me all day or that day, leaves me because i’m focusing on getting through the back pain, the foot pain, getting to the next speed level without collapsing. it’s a productive way to deal with anger. planet fitness is open 24 hours. this is a good thing.

so new  years i was in the er with kidney issues. ex, karate kick to the r kidney, damage in 2011. Got our spent nye, the same way Ive done it for 5 years. Alone. December and January are the biggest suicide months. I know why, personally. The 2nd i went grocery shopping and the phone was stolen with my debit card. my care is a 2001 held together with gorilla tape. With all of this my triggers are even more sensitive. to the point i’m yelling at the cat for accidentally clawing me, the service dog won’t come near me, i cant get what i need i cant get anywhere, and i can’t talk to anyone.

isolation  – the biggest and worst trigger anyone with PTSD can have. So, my dear readers, don’t isolate yourself. Find one or 2 people you can explain what is wrong and why and find a way for them to help you when  you really need it. My best friend makes me laugh, my long time friend gives me adult coloring books (I love these), and colored pencils., another friend just sends me pictures of the moon so we don’t feel so far apart. My neighbor messages me or stops me to see how i’m doing.  little things can help you deal with the episodes easier. and above all, no matter what you are going through – the fact you have PTSD, a wounded warrior, depression – whatever happened to get you there was much worse and you survived it. So these small episodes? They are nothing – you got this! Above all – remember to breath.20161212_154841-1

 

Doing the Right Thing

Sometimes doing the right thing is not easy. Sometimes it is heart wrenching, emotionally crushing and damn hard.  Someone with emotional concerns like depression and ptsd, it’s even worse.

We second guess ourselves, we constantly reevaluate relationship decisions and even self destruct to avoid feeling anything at all. This causes more problems than we need, but, we do it anyway.

Sometimes making decisions that will effect us emotionally, will effect us physically. We cry more than normal, we eat, we hurt ourselves and we push people away. It doesn’t have to be this way. Yes, it is hard to stop those habbits, but it can be done. We need to stop, breath and do something else until the emotional part of it is gone, and the decisions can be made with a clear head.

Easier said than done right? Well, today I had to do just that. I had to break up someone who made me very happy. I had to do so and explain why without my emotional destruction getting in the way. How? I wasn’t sure if I was pushing them away and self destructing out of fear, out of jealousy, out of need to have my life uncomplicated, or doing so because i’ve gotten so used to being alone that having someone in my life was just too much.

I slept on it. Literally. I cleared my mind, stopped my crying and let it all go. When I woke up I wrote down all the reasons I felt I needed to break up, wrote next to those either e for emotional or l for logical. then looking at the logical, i wrote down m for me and h for him. The result was obvious. I was right, I needed to do what was best for him, and it wasn’t me.

Sometimes doing what is right is more painful than we can imagine. But, when we do it with a clear head and a clear mind, in the end it’s the best thing we could do for ourselves.

Chances

Before you know it a chance comes along that changes you.  What is chance? It's a
circumstantial minute in life that changes things.

You bump into someone, they smile, you smile. You walk away with a smile when your
day wasn't going well.  That smile, that little chance made your day better.

You buy something and find out it's worth a lot more than you paid the old lady at
the flea market for.  You start to investigate it and find out it's really old, 
and belonged to someone in History that shaped our nation. Chance. You learned something
you met someone neat (the old lady) and you realized not everything is visible at
first glance.

You meet someone in a group you are in on line. You know nothing about them other than
you both have something in common. You talk within the group.  One day you go to a
photography gathering, and you bump into someone - yes, the person you chatted with. 
You both hang out the whole day and years later - you marry. It's all by chance.

Chances give people extra attempts to try and better themselves, it pushes you
further along a different timeline than the one you were on.  Chances give you
an amazing insight to things around you. Chances help you grow, learn and live.

BUJO & Printables

My bullet journal has been helping me track weather and mood patterns. Also: daily chores, taking care of myself, appointments, knitting projects, books to read and goals. It’s kind of nice sitting down to do something artsy and productive every day. I have noticed patterns and have been working to change them.

Nothing good is free.  You have to want to work for it, and that isn’t always easy. I wish to the heavens that i could go back to work. i have tried, and failed. My body is just too weak from the accident and living off 700  month with a service dog is brutal. Sure, I could save 100 a month for food, vet bills and paying him off to the trainer. But, he keeps me alive and grounded.

PRINTABLE:  Stupid spell check kept changing the word. LOL  I have found some great sites on pinterest for free printable.  Especially cute ones! I am not very good at assembling pages with them, but, i am getting better.

http://cutedaisy.com/free-printable-halloween-planner-stickers/   awesome halloween ones!

http://andreanicoleblogs.blogspot.com/2015/10/free-printable-halloween-planner-page.html?m=1     great tips!!

A habit tracker idea page with great stuff: 40 Things to Track in Your Habit Tracker – Start One Today! |

Another great printable site: Free Printable Planner Stickers | The Pinning Mama

Also Boho Berry is awesome. Go to my pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/mariedahl1/bujo/   For more tips, tricks and printables!

 

 

Depression and The Weather

Anyone with depression or SAD (Seasonal depressive disorder) knows that a series of 
gray, rainy days can make you restless and agitated. And with the shorter days and 
darker hours - we are miserable creatures.

So, what are some things you can do to help with this? Some things are relatively
simple, some - not so much.  I have learned a lot over the past 5 years dealing
with not being in Hawaii where I was healthier than ever and sun all the time. Now,
the east coast is home and wow - i hate winter. seriously hate it. My friends will
tell you I never leave the house I don't do anything with them and the holidays for
me are horrible because i have no family and i eat pot pies for thanksgiving and 
Christmas. Oh yeah - I hate winter.

So, what have I learned through all that madness? Citrus smells. Really. No warm
brown sugar vanilla, no warm pumpkin spice. It's too relaxing. Citrus wakes
you up. I shower with it, i have it in my wax melters.I drink tea with oranges,
berries, lemon zest in it. Blood orange is my favorite for ice tea. Warn, I like
A fruity tea with honey.

Also, ladies, citrus perfumes. Guys, stay away from the warm smells. Change to a 
more vibrant smell.  Smell has a lot to do with how you feel. We know through
research that it is a major jolt in patients with Alzheimer.  Especially roses,
citrus, cookies, etc. One patient I had (when i was a CNA in nursing school) loved
the smell of boot polish. It reminded her of her husband who was military. Me, my
go to smells when I need a jolt (well with memory loss i don't associate anything
with anything lol) I like plumaria, fresh coconut, sea spray, walnut ink, mac n 
cheese and pine sol. Dunno why - we are working at.

So, we have smells. Easy to do. A good sunlamp will help a lot. I sit under mine
15 minutes every night while reading, in the winter I go up to 30.  That is not
a cheap fix. But, you can now change all your bulbs in the house to sun ones yeah
Home Depot!  So that's an expensive help and a cheaper version.

Smells, lamps, you're wondering what's next aren't you? I have a weird one. Nesting.
Seriously, get citrus cleaners and clean your place! A cleaner place will feel larger
it will smell amazing. Also, decreasing clutter, organizing things and the physical
activity is really healthy. It also gives you a great sense of accomplishment when
you are done.  Break it down if you have physical issues like I do. I did a room
a day during the week for basic cleaning. But, for the big spring n fall - 2 days.
I do it all. Move furniture, trash galore, organizing, you name it - walls, light
switches, closet floors get scrubbed, towels get refolded and put away better.

So we have smells, light, activity. There is a method to my madness. LOL Well,
I am no longer mad at anything. My accident took care of that. I'm too chill
sometimes.  Try drinking lemon/lime water, citrus pop, bright teas. Your whole
body and mind will thank me for this.

Rant

I am saying what i want on facebook, go ahead and punish me for it by putting me on probation for 2 years sca, the people who took what i wrote and twisted it and then used it against me – way to go shitheads, this is why no one wants to play in your barony. No one can trust you. Pastors are not exempt – they are worse than the rest. If they are with the gang they ignore your existance but, claim to love you and be your friend. Then lie to your face. No thanks. And as for your trolls – fuck you. FREEDOM OF SPEECH I will be doing another cull. SCA folks say goodbye. I have had it. Took me 5 years to show people I’ve changed, i got to play and do things – and a handful of people pissed all over me out of fear because they were the ones who made the decisions, and they were wrong. but, they ganged up on me and made me the fool. thanks.